11.29.2005

a single drop of pure seminal yearning

Some of the finalists for Britain's Bad Sex in Fiction Award:

Villages by John Updike

A flock of crows, six or eight, raucously rasping at one another, thrashed into the top of an oak on the edge of the square of sky. The heavenly invasion made his heart race; he looked down at his prick, silently begging it not to be distracted; his mind fought skidding into crows and woods, babies and Phyllis, and his prick stared back at him with its one eye clouded by a single drop of pure seminal yearning. He felt suspended at the top of an arc. Faye leaned back on the blanket, arranging her legs in an M of receptivity, and he knelt between them like the most abject and craven supplicant who ever exposed his bare ass to the eagle eyes of a bunch of crows.

Faye took him in hand. He slipped in. He became an adulterer. He went for the last inch. She grunted, at her own revelation. His was that her cunt did not feel like Phyllis's. Smoother, somehow simpler, its wetness less thick, less of a sauce, more of a glaze. It was soon over. He could not help himself, he was so excited, proud, and nervous. When he was done, he opened his eyes, and saw this stranger's face an inch from his, seemingly asleep, the closed eyelids showing a thin pulse, her long lips curved self-lullingly.

Winkler by Giles Corren

And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.

Blinding Light by Paul Theroux

The sound of his pleasure came slanting from deep within his lungs and seemed like an echo of a softer sighing in her throat. Her breasts were in his hands, his thumbs grazing her nipples. Her touch was surer and so finely judged that she seemed to feel in the throb of his cock the spasm of his juice rising - knew even before he did that he was about to come. Then he knew, his body began to convulse, and as he cried "No" - because she had let go - she pushed him backward onto the seat and pressed her face down, lapping his cock into her mouth, curling her tongue around it, and the suddenness of it, the snaking of her tongue, the pressure of her lips, the hot grip of her mouth, triggered his orgasm, which was not juice at all but a demon eel thrashing in his loins and swimming swiftly up his cock, one whole creature of live slime fighting the stiffness as it rose and bulged at the tip and darted into her mouth.

11.28.2005

What could have been....

It is with great sadness and a tear in my eye that I announce the end of Kimberlan. I suspected that the marriage of quality reality television and real-life fugliness would end in heartbreak for all involved.

Noah- I think you owe me $10 or something for winning the Blog pool on this one.

And why is your Kimberlan so much bigger than my Kimberlan?

The Fug Down Under


Ms. Act was apparently a contestant on Australian Idol 2, in addition to being the victim of a cruel genetic experiment that took Fergie's DNA, crossed it with Pamela Anderson's, rapidly aged the resulting mutation, and then let it escape into the wild. [stolen wholesale from Go Fug Yourself]

11.17.2005

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone


So, many of you may have been wondering what happened to Colin, our third blogger and famous Harry Potter look-a-like. Turns out that in anticipation of the fourth installment of Harry Potter movie, Colin has been cashing in on his Daniel Radcliffe-looks around New York. By day, Colin has seen in full Wizard-wear fraternizing with legions of crazed fans lining up outside theatres around the city. When he stumbles across a sweet looking Hermione honey Colin has been breaking out a couple Goblets of Fire Juice in order to free these Prisoners of Azkaban before inviting the young sorceress into his Chamber of Secrets to check out his Sorcerer's Bone.

they're engaged. seriously.


I don't even know what do say about this. Kim's pretty busted, but she's rich and has proven tabloid power. Talan is on the best show ever, but has Kim seen him sing? I'm not sure who is settling here, but it all seems kind of unholy. Oh, and they've been dating for like a week.

Other things I learned while "researching" this story: Talan dated Lohan, Jim Carrey is dating Jenny McCarthy.

11.16.2005

Back Dat Ass Up...


Ever seen a 500lb fatty operate a pneumatic drill or sit astride a washing machine?

Funny.

commitment ceremony crashers

Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston both GQ 'Men of the Year'? So, guys, which one of you is the top?


Fiddy just likes to watch, he's no dandy


11.15.2005

What you gonna do with all that junk?

What happened to the good old environment-friendly days of reducing what we use, reusing what we can and recycling the rest?

Now, it's all about consumption and drunk sex on the way to the landfill (or so Fergie would have us believe)

What you gonna do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps.

O'Reilly v. O'Firey

The National Organization to Shoot Bill O'Reilly into the Sun


11.14.2005

liveblogging the laguna beach finale until i get bored/too drunk

10:28pm: LC and Anna Wintour? What what?

10:27pm: WHAT IS THE SURPRISE? An LC spinoff? Didn't we already know about this? "The Hills". Like Beverly Hills.

Morning After Suggestion: MTV should also have a show following Taylor and her little slutty sorority sisters at Arizona.

10:25pm: "A new generation of drama"

10:24pm: little sisters on season 3? hot.

Morning After Assessment: LC's little sister is sooo not hot. She has a huge underbite which should take at least half the season to correct.

10:23pm: LC IS BACK FOR SEASON 3!

Morning After Assessment: LC looked so broke in the hot tub. Put on some more make up already.

10:22pm: that was 22 LAME ASS MINUTES OF CRYING!! WHAT THE FUCKASS? What's the point of commericial-free if you end early!?

Morning After Assessment: Yeah WTF?

10:21pm: mollyblog: "its hard to hate kritsen because she is so perfect"

Morning After Assessment: We'll see how perfect you think she is after her cameo in the new Deniro movie.

10:20pm: Kristin's MONTAGE!!!!! My car is DUNZO!!!!

10:19pm: manhugs and man i love you's between Talan and Jason. Ced jerks off in the corner.

10:18pm: "Thank god I don't have to say goodbye to you." Just stupid Jessica This whole episode is about hating on big-boobie Jess.

Morning After Assessment: I don't think Kristin or Alex was actually friends with Jessica before the producers hooked them up.

10:15pm: "Sometimes the things we need the most are the things that fill the holes." That's what the song said when Stephen was kissing Kristin. It's about sex, right?

10:13pm: "Alllll the ways we can't let gooo. Allllll the ways we carrrry onnn."

10:12pm: For anyone on the west coast, here's your drinking game: do a shot every time someone says "weird". If you don't die, you get to be on the next season of LB.

10:10pm: What does Stephen's orange bracelet mean? In support of people who seemed cool at the beginning of the series but eventually emerged as LB's biggest tool?

Morning After Assessment: Stephen is pathetic, but for some reason I found him less so this episode.

10:08pm: I wonder how hard it was to get your band's song into this episode?

10:07pm: I've been informed that the theme song is Hilary Duff. Stephen just stuck a boot in LC's face and called her "special".

10:06pm: mollyblog: "say goodbye, since you will never. be. allowed. back. from. 30. miles. north."

10:05pm: Talan has a tattoo on his left shoulder?

10:03pm: I was noticing during the marathon today how big Jessica's breasts are. Anyone else notice this? Also, who even sings this theme song?

Morning After Assessment: Jesus, Noah, I can't believe it took you this long to notice her breasts. Do you actually watch this show?

10:02pm: Hey look, Kristin and other girl are totally undermining Jessica! Weird!

10:01pm: will this be the last time i hear kristin's sweet voice telling me what happened last week?

10:00pm: fuck you trl dude and fuck your dumb face

9:59pm: fuck yeah fuck yeah fuck yeah

9:50pm: T minus 10 minutes. Watching Law & Order. Hard to describe emotional state. Trying to steady nerves with beer, wine, Absolut Raspberi.

Only in Ireland....

...could the orderlies that tend to your Alzheimer-riddled grandmother celebrate her birthday with 85 shots of Bailey's at the nursing home's own pub.

Sounds pretty good, right? If I go the way of my grandmother remind me repeatedly to go to Ireland.

Chinese Lead World in Underwater Weddings


I guesss it shouldn't surprise anyone that the world's most populous nation is also the world's leader in submarine nuptials. In order to consolidate its lead in this category Hong Kong's Ocean Park now offers a $14,000 underwater wedding service for those that want to tie the proverbial knot a league under the sea. The wedding package comes complete with a lifesize Communist Seal to preside over the ceremony before throwing the bride and groom overboard and into the fish tank.

Note: Party officials are debating whether or not to open the park for underwater conceptions and birthings.

Father of Fugly Freezes Seed for Future Sowing

Rod Stewart, father of the fugged-out-and-it-ain't-no-secret Paris Hilton sidekick Kim Stewart, announced he will be cryogenically storing his Grammy-nominated sperm for his wife's future insemination "in case of problems" with his trouser-rocking trio "Pete the Meat and The Boys"

11.07.2005

i take my history PLAIN, thank you very much



From the Casper Star Tribune
Kaycee playwright Sandy Dixon doesn't care to open her mind to the story line of “Brokeback Mountain,” she said.

A lifelong Wyomingite, Dixon said she has never encountered a gay cowboy, and doesn't think it's right for Proulx and Hollywood to portray Wyoming as a state with gay cowboys.

Her message to the writers of “Brokeback Mountain” is this: “Don't try and take what we had, which was wonderful -- the cowboys that settled the state and made it what it was -- don't ruin that image just to sell a book.”

She added, “There's nothing better than plain old cowboys and the plain old history without embellishing it to suit everyone.”

Regarding the reaction of Wyoming people to the film, Dixon said it depends on the viewer: “Those that want to make a queer story out of it, they will, and those that know real cowboys will say it's all hogwash.”

Ms. Dixon, I beg to differ:

Somewhere in Middle America...

Darfur, Minnesota....


Since February 2003, government-sponsored militias known as the Janjaweed have conducted a calculated campaign of slaughter, rape, starvation and displacement in Darfur. It is estimated that 400,000 people have died due to violence, starvation and disease. More than 2.5 million people have been displaced from their homes and over 200,000 have fled across the border to Chad. Many now live in camps lacking adequate food, shelter, sanitation, and health care. The United States Congress and President George W. Bush recognized the situation in Darfur as "genocide." Darfur, "near Hell on Earth," has been declared the worst humanitarian crisis in the world today. [via SaveDarfur.org]

11.04.2005

From the creators of the Liger and the Tigon....

comes the Labradoodle.....

and the Pugle.....

This year in history....

50 years ago, Vladimir Nabokov penned Lolita the sexual and controversial tale of Humbert Humbert a nymphet-loving pedophile whose lust and love for the prepubescent breast-budding female child still inspires (a very small fraction of) men to this day.

In honor of Nabokov, BlogNac is honoring a modern-day Humbert Humbert with our own Humbert Humbert Humpty Dance Award Winner...

Drum roll... please....

Yours truly, the 15 year-old Aaliyah-marrying, video-tape-peeing Rrrrrrr. Kelly.



Note: Ever-loyal reader Kaldonkey makes an interesting observation when she notes that Mr. Kelly is trying to conceal his pedohile-loving wang with urban camoflauge in order to lure more young ladies into his lustful lair.

This guy just creeps me out...

Crispin Glover lives in a world where it is Halloween 365.242199 day a year. Scary stuff. And now he is getting married...

"I pity the fool who be droppin' her drawers and pissin' in my foyer"

I think we all know who she is.

11.03.2005

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008."

Yo, yo, yo Kevin Federline launches rap career. I just hated on the styles he created, straight 2008ed.
(Shar Jackson- The last Black thing to Kev Fed did. We all know how that ended)

Breaking News: Go through the alphabet and try to find letters that when added to -ate, -eight, or -ait don't actually make words. There are like three.

can you really get stoned from licking frogs? i thought that was just on family guy.


Your godson is not smoking, taking, or licking camel toads you silly lady. He's snorting them! No, not really. He's just jerking off all over your guest sheets to them.

[Via everywhere, but most recently my friend Jake.]

Bonus pic that I found looking for some visual accompaniment to this post:



And, in case you were wondering:
Toad is the highest-ranking Mushroom Retainer in the Mushroom Kingdom, and is Princess Toadstool's loyal servant. Not the bravest of mushrooms, Toad is often captured by Bowser and is usually the first character to be rescued by Mario. Toad is also famous for selling items, and has operated shops in games such as SMB3, SMRPG, Paper Mario, and the Mario Party series. The name "Toad" has since been used to describe any mushroom person inhabiting The Mushroom Kingdom, and in Paper Mario, Mario even visited a suburb of the Kingdom known as "Toad Town."

50 Cent Proclaims, "Bush Loves Black People"


50 Cent, in order to exploit a demographic until recently untapped by the by the gangster rap genre, has appealed to God-fearing conservative black Repulican hurricane victims (and the conservative white Republicans that run their think tank) In a startling move, Mr. Half Dollar, the bullet-embracing street corner crack-selling impresario, has called out fellow rapper Kanye West and distanced himself from the Chicagoan's race-based critique of President Bush's handling of the Hurricane Katrina response.

WTF? Remember the Clinton-era when rap feuds pitted East Coast v. West Coast, Bad Boy v. Death Row, and Notorious BIG v. Tupac, and actually involved human-orchestrated violence and death.

Note: I suspect Mr. 5 Dimes is positioning himself to replace the overly qualified First Lady as our nation's Gang Czar, but that, my friends is just conjecture at this point in time.

11.02.2005

scalito, jr.



I am not sure why I find Phil Alito's (son of Scalito) self-authored online bio so amusing, but it's clear he didn't anticipate his dad needing Senate confirmation anytime soon:
I became interested in politics and got involved with Gary Condit (not like that). I served as a parking aide to Nancy Pelosi (I won't even start on her) but was fired when Barbara Boxer came onto me. Eventually, I decided that my teeth needed to be cleaned, so I came to Colgate with a band of gypsies (who I have declared war on and will one day destroy). I decided to join "The Forum" to make friends but obviously that hasn't worked out.

The bio has been taken down, but the cached version is available here.

Via HuffPost

call up the request line

An anonymous commenter asked me to post my take on Alito, so here goes: He shouldn't be confirmed because we don't need another fucking Italian on the Court. Also, he's Catholic, and like the priesthood, he seems to be in favor of stripping ten-year-olds.

Actually, I don't know that much about Alito yet, but my gut tells me that the Senate should confirm him. Yes, he's a conservative. And, yes, he's pretty clearly pro-life (both his opinions and his mother indicate this). But Democrats lost in '04 and having to tolerate conservative judicial nominees is the price we pay.

How can I support a pro-life conservative who has taken positions I oppose on a number of issues, from the Commerce Clause to the 4th Amendment to abortion? I don't "support" him, exactly, I just don't see any basis on which to oppose him. Outside the mainstream? I don't really think so. He's consistently conservative, and conservatism--and it pains me to say this--is the mainstream. That's why Republicans control the House, the Sentate, and the White House. The Democratic leadership seems to be opposing Alito in some knee-jerk reaction to conservative interest group support for the nomination. They like him, so we have to hate him, let's gear up for a battle! For example:
Senator Edward M. Kennedy, Democrat of Massachusetts, called it a "nomination out of weakness rather than strength" and said Democratic suspicions had been raised by the strong support Judge Alito had quickly drawn from conservatives. "They are shouting from the mountaintops for this Alito," said Mr. Kennedy, who had praised Judge Alito during his confirmation hearings for the appellate bench.
But I don't think it has to be like that. Judical nominations are not a zero-sum game. A smart and qualified nominee benefits everyone.

Obviously, I would prefer a smart and qualified nominee who will legalize marijuana and burn flags (like Scalia!) and kill babies and all those things that liberals like me love. But Democrats are going to need to win a fucking election for that to happen. Let's say, though (and I know this is a huge stretch), that we had a Democrat president. There is absolutely no way that liberals would still be demanding a middle-of-the-road nominee, so I don't think we can demand one now.

Oh, and Alito is not all bad. Though Robert Gordon at Slate says Alito makes Scalia look good, his record on the First Amendment and testimony from people who know him and have worked with him seem to indicate otherwise. And, anyway, Scalia may be an asshole, but he's probably the smartest guy on the Court right now.

SPECIAL BONUS: Everything you ever wanted to know about Alito but were afraid to ask, via Balkinization.