Blog for a New American Century

Scandal!

2009-08-05T10:42:00.002-04:00

It's an old, fake scandal, but maybe it will light a fire under the other BlogNACkers bums.

More old starwars pics here

is blognac back?

2009-07-29T13:48:00.001-04:00

it might be.

2006-07-12T13:37:00.000-04:00

Shakira - Hips Don't Lie (feat Wyclef Jean) Music Video Codes

maybe this will bring people back.....

How Many Surgeons Does it Take to Remove a Lightbulb from a Pakistani's Ass

2006-06-29T11:45:00.000-04:00

Forget about dropping the soap, Pakistani prisoners should apparently be on the lookout for magical ass-navigating light bulbs. This almost tops the great gerbil rumor of the mid 1980s. Who am I kidding, I don’t think anything will ever top that one. Did you know that there is actually a verb to describe gerbil-related sexual practice: Gerbiling or Gerbil Stuffing.
Well back to the Pakistani prisoner, this is no rumor. And I have the photo to prove it (courtesy of Yahoo News.)The moral of the story: A society will never thrive under prohibition. The following story has been awarded with the Alan Dershowitz seal of approval:

MULTAN, Pakistan (Reuters) - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan,
says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus. On Wednesday
night, doctors brought Mohammad's misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour
operation to remove the object.
"Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I
had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else," Mohammad, a
grey-beared man in his mid-40s, told Reuters from a hospital bed in the southern
central city of Multan. "We had to take it out intact," said Dr. Farrukh Aftab
at Nishtar Hospital. "Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very
complicated situation."
Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for
making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first
told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there.
"When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they
told me this," Mohammad said. "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other
prisoners."
The doctor treating Mohammad said he'd never encountered
anything like it before, and doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged
him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.
In other news, I still cannot figure out how to sucessfully execute a block quote.

Best PSA Ever...or maybe I'm a bumpkin

2006-06-28T15:25:00.000-04:00

You can freaking search for ANYTHING by texting a message to Google with your cell phone!! You simply type in the name of something and your area code if you're looking for a location and send it to g-o-o-g-l or 46645 and you will receive a text back with the address and number. You can search for other things too, like sports scores or stock prices (not that I expect much of that from you dear readers).
It's very possible that all of you coasters have been using this service for months, years, or even decades and that it just took a while for the news to soak its way inward, like how Kansas City still hasn't gotten wind of the death of mall bangs.

I just found out about this feature last week. My sister and I were trying to find a restaurant and the cabbie didn't know where it was. A friend of hers just said google it and worked his magic. The cabbie almost crapped himself. If the cabbies haven't caught on, I figure you all might need some help on this as well.

I once was blind but now I can see...an elephant orgy

2006-06-28T11:03:00.000-04:00

Since I was two years old, I have spent countless weekends and vacations at my family’s house in Vermont. My fondest childhood memories are situated within the walls of this charming abode, with every nook, cranny, and nick-knack emanating nostalgia (that is, if nostalgia can in fact be emanated. What do you think Jon?)
The consumption of hot chocolate by the fireplace has long been one of my most treasured Vermont house traditions. To open the cupboard and gaze over the half dozen or so mugs that have been there for decades is always a trip down memory lane.
On a recent trip to Vermont, several friends and I were partaking in the evening cocoa ritual, when something happened that will forever taint my hot chocolate-related nostalgia.
As I was preparing the hot chocolate, I chose four of my favorite mugs from which to serve the steaming beverage. Of the mugs I chose, one mug in particular has always been my number one favorite. Selflessly, I decided to give this mug, I will call it “The Elephant Mug,” to Sam, so that he might partake in its joyous wonders. I made sure to tell Sam how lucky he was to be consuming hot chocolate from the Elephant Mug, since it was clearly the best of my many mugs, and has been my favorite for years.
After several minutes, Sam came up to me, pronouncing how perverse I was to have labeled this particular vessel as a childhood favorite. When I responded that I had no idea what he was talking about, Sam instructed me to take a second look at the mug’s artwork. In a way, I felt like Adam or Eve after tasting the forbidden fruit, robbed of my veil of innocence and forced to see the truth.

in memoriam

2006-06-28T02:41:00.000-04:00

A bit late, but I feel as though some recognition of a great loss should be duly noted.

On Thursday, June 22, 2006, our nation lost one of its greatest heroes, a friend with whom many people felt a close connection. Moose, the dog who played Eddie on the TV show Frasier, died at the ripe old age of sixteen of natural causes. While my formative years were spent watching Wishbone and the like, I always mourn the death of an animal, especially a celebrity.

For those unfamiliar with Moose's life, there is a nice brief summary of his accomplishments on www.thepoop.com (Harlan K-Poo, I think this website is calling your name...). Included in this biography: "A Jack Russell terrier born in Florida as one of ten pups, Moose graduated from Orlando University with a bachelor's degree in obedience. He taught sign language after college at Canine Corral, but he grew tired of teaching and decided to give show business a try." And the rest was history...

Many people were personally touched by experiences shared with Moose. Their stories can be found here:

http://www.thepetpress-la.com/articles/eddie.htm
http://www.thepoop.com/mediahounds/frasier/default.asp
http://www.rateitall.com/i-14256-eddie-frasier.aspx

And, a must-read: http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/spotlight/2001-06-04-dog-bites.htm

Some final words about Moose:

On Frasier, Moose's character Eddie was "known for responding to Martin and Daphne with human-like understanding, but often seem[ed] to taunt Frasier. An early recurring gag had Eddie staring unceasingly at Frasier, to Frasier's increasing annoyance."

It doesn't matter that the story [of the movie "My Dog Skip" in which
Moose played the title character] (adapted by Gail Gilchriest) is
closer to TV drama than, say, the classic southern poignancy of Carson
McCullers. It doesn't even matter that no one sounds as if they've been anywhere
south of Dover, Del. – except Harry Connick Jr., who provides the narration for
the older Willie.

What matters is a Jack Russell terrier licking Willie's face. Or bounding up a tree to catch a squirrel. Or sneaking a slurp of Dad's drink while the old man's reading the paper. Or nearly disappearing into a commode as he tries to drink the water.

So touching, so poignant.

Moose, you will never be forgotten here at BlogNAC.

Don't cry for me, Argentina

2006-06-26T10:57:00.000-04:00

For whatever reason You Tube doesn't work on my computer at work. And as a result I am intensely jealous of those of you lucky enough to be able to waste hours of time watching internet videos at work.

The following video was specifically requested by Rabiya our dear friend, loyal reader and occasional misplacer of cell phones in bar bathrooms. Welcome back to Philly.

The USA, like me, sucks at soccer. While I consider myself a relatively coordinated 6'6" I readily acknowledge that the coordination I do possess does not enable me to play soccer with any skill whatsoever. It is for this reason that I am particularly impressed by the total body control exhibited by soccer players. Well... Almost total body control...

"I had an erection for ten years and all I got was a lousy $400k"

2006-06-26T09:25:00.000-04:00

It seems like everyone has a friend, who on a study abroad trip to Spain, took to an excessive amount of Viagra, got an erection that lasted more than six hours and had to be hospitalized until the swelling subsided. Those crazy kids have nothing on this guy.

By now most of you will have have seen Steve Carell in the 40 year old virgin, what I hope none of you have seen is Charles Lennon in the 10 year old erection. Charles "Chick" Lennon, a former handyman from Providence, RI has been unable to hug, ride a bike, or wear his favorite speedos for the better part of the last decade because of a dysfunctional steel and plastic penile implant that has kept his penis fully erect. He even withdrew from his own family for fear of poking one of his grandchildren's eyes out. (Prince Charles and family pictured below.)

Like all good Americans, Chick sued Dacomed Corporation, manufacturer of the faulty Dura-II implant and he won. The good news for Mr. Lennon is that in 2004 a jury just awarded him $750,000. The bad news is that a judge recently reduced the award to $400,000, ruling that the previous amount was excessive. Excessive??? Excesive is a ten-year erection...

Fecal Beat

2006-06-23T14:58:00.000-04:00

clip removed due to extreme annoyingness factor

I've been informed by my editor that I am to cover all matters poo in addition to happenings in what most of you bastards call "the middle."

I approach this task as religious types respond to their "calling." I am both captivated and repulsed by poo in the same way I imagine the clergy's worshipful adoration of the heavenly father must be thick with fear. I have lived my life in the shadow of poo.

I am absolutely disgusted by flatulence because if I can smell it that must mean there are poo particles in the air and therefore being brought into my mouth with each breath and covering my face. However, I can't seem to help pooking people in the pooper when I see a good target. Now that you know you're getting your information from from a qualified source, let us discuss the above video.

Some Japanese candid camera show is playing a "trick" on poor unsuspecting people who are simply trying to privately allow their excretory systems to finish a days work. The mark enters the porta-potty and is given the requisit amount of time to get properly situated to pee-pee or pass a BM. The base of the toilet is then lifted into the air putting a very private act on very public display. Matters are intesified by the Asian "squatter" style john, raising the chance of acutally seeing a log of the nasty hanging out of a butt.

This is beyond cruel, and if it's not criminal then it should be. Not only is it just so horribly embarrassing for the unwilling participant, but the innocent passerbys could very well be emotionally scared by the experience. And then there is the worst case scenario... a real live shit storm. Someones' urine or worse, acutal feces, might be taken of course by the suprised and scared producer of said products or by the wind blowing through the now open air bathroom. I can't really contemplate that anymore, my skin is crawling.

DARPA: your tax-payer dollars hard at work

2006-06-23T11:13:00.000-04:00

First it was mine-detecting dolphins and remote-controlled sharks and now it is human cannonballs.
New Scientist magazine reported in May that the Pentagon's cutting-edge research agency, DARPA, is considering a human-launching device that works like a cannon, to blast special-forces troops (and maybe firefighters and police officers) at just the right trajectory so that they land on hard-to-reach locations, such as rooftops. One of the patent application diagrams is pictured below just to give you sense how high-tech the device is.

Our new blogger's new name....

2006-06-23T09:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a big day for BlogNAC as our dear friend Sarah joined the 'NAC as our "special" Midwestern correspondent. However, as part of the reinvention of the BlogNAC many of us have assumed nom de plumes to better capture our alter ego blogging personalities. My blogging name, Volberbling, is a tribute to my gangster rap-loving, 24 inch rolling, platinum chain and diamond-studded mouthpiece-wearing weekend self. Anyway, Sarah just doesn't cut it on the new 'Nac so I have created a poll to ask you, the reader, what we should call Sarah.

Take the poll

Free Poll by Blog Flux

Your Wednesday nights will never be the same.

2006-06-22T16:31:00.000-04:00

Heidi Klum is pregnant again and that can only mean one thing: "Project Runway" is back, bitches. Unfortunately, our dear friend and perrenial loser, Daniel Franco, will not be joining the cast (pictured below) for the third season. Based solely on the photo below I think my early favorite to win it all is the straight African-American male in the bottom right hand corner.

"Project Runway 3" will launch on Wednesday, July 12 at 10:00 p.m. ET/PT, which means that I will have to stop watching "The Hills" on MTV, which may be over by then anyway.

I am eagerly awaiting the premiere of PR3. I will hop into bed and wrap my long lanky limbs around my body pillow named "Heidi" and marvel at Michael Kors witty one-liners.

Who Hasn’t Been Looking for that Small Town Fair w/ a Sci-Fi Flair???

2006-06-22T14:31:00.000-04:00

Summer is the season of uninterrupted festivals. Art fairs, food fests, state fairs, farmers markets, and town carnivals are pretty much ubiquitous across this nation, yes?

Sweet Jesus, I love ‘em all. This is probably due to the fact that these festivals have my most favorite thing in the world, a plethora outdoor food stands where you can get all the greasy eats under the sun.

mmmm…Giant Turkey Legs…

The fact that the US has pitifully few open-air food stands that function on a year round basis is one of my number one motivations for emmigration... but probably an issue for another post entirely.

Moving on, all regions have their own smaller, more obscure, sometimes down right loony summer festivals, but I’m pretty sure my home state has birthed the most ridiculous = fanfuckingtabulous fest of all time….

Pack your bags and head down to the 22nd Annual Trek Fest in Riverside, Iowa this weekend! For all of you culturally dense people out there, James T. Kirk, captain of the starship Enterprise, will be born in Riverside on March 22, 2233. Seriously, it’s totally official.

"The festival tries to balance a small town fair that James T. Kirk may experience with a Science Fiction theme. When you visit you will see small town staples like a demolition derby, truck and tractor pull, rides, live music, as well as a sci-fi vendor area, costume contest, and Star Trek themed events."

These events include, but are not limited too:

Spockapalooza featuring the band Super Size Seven (mostly a cover band playing the rockin’ tunes of various artists from Blondie to Hoobastank)

Two different installments of Cow Chip Bingo! (Cow chips are poo)

A parade

A greased pig contest

A Trekkie costume contest

Have you ever seen any one in TNG wearing glasses?! Lightweights…

And viewings of Star Trek as well as past Trek Fest footage in a place simply titled “Red Barn”

Looks like Kirk stumbled into a wormhole, and breaching the space-time continuum, has been able to attend the festival taking place centuries before his birth.

This festival, already attracting people “from as far away as Finland” will certainly only blow-up more after this new Star Trek: The Early Years movie comes out staring Hotty McTotty Matt Damon as Kirk.

F-ing brilliant people.

BlogNAC welcomes Sarah

2006-06-22T13:44:00.000-04:00

Occasionally mistaken by passers by as "slow" or "handicapped," Sarah is exceptionally gifted, and not in the Special Olympics sense. We are extremely excited to have Sarah "name to be decided shortly" Kalhorn join BlogNAC as our midwest correspondent.

"Is that a primate in your pocket?"

2006-06-22T08:14:00.000-04:00

Why yes it is...
The Microcebus Mittermeieri (pictured above) is just one of three new mouse lemurs discovered in Madagascar's tropical forest in recent weeks. Apparently if you squeeze them, their tongue and eyeballs pop out like those Iggy Pop toys.

When I was a young school girl all the other little girls had Polly Pockets and Tamogatchis. Daddy wouldn't let me have either and I never forgave him for that. But, now that I am a man I make my own rules and I am going to get a whole family of mouse lemurs to play with me all the time. I will get enough mouse lemurs so that when I lose a couple of them like the pieces of a Polly Pocket and kill a few like any good virtual pet owner, I will still have several to play with.

It's ronery, so ronery...

2006-06-21T17:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I don't have no co-bloggers
Sometimes I feel like my only friends are the readers and emailers
The emailer called Sandro
As lonely as i am
Together we cry

Well, I am not going to cry because I am work, but I might if I was at home.

The truth of the matter is that it's lonely over here at Blognac these days. Other than that email I received yesterday from a reader of this blog, there is little evidence of life here among the bloggers. Even fan favorite Spamchez has been absent lately :(. Maybe it is all the ta-ta-tacular tales of lactivist extremists or maybe it is something else...

Celebrity Lactivist Extremists

2006-06-20T17:47:00.000-04:00

Mollygood.com, the best celebrity related blog online these days, has joined the anti-lactivist extremist movement sweeping Starbucks's's's and the blogs, reporting that extremism exists within the Hollywood celebrity lactivist community. Apparently, Kate Beckinsale is the Osama bin Lactatin of the lactivist community...

Kate Beckinsale has revealed she could squirt milk out of breasts and across the room after giving birth.

The 'Underworld: Evolution' star says she developed the unusual skill while breastfeeding daughter Lily, her child from her relationship with actor Michael Sheen.

Beckinsale - who is now married to film director Len Wiseman - told US chat show host Jay

Leno: "I do miss breastfeeding. I was good at it. I got more than my fair share - I could hit the wall from quite a distance! I do have some useless talents."

If the Bacon Shoe doesn't fit you must acquit.

2006-06-20T17:09:00.000-04:00

I regularly receive emails. I occasionally receive emails from friends. I rarely receive emails from strangers who read this blog. So, it was a happy day today when I received an email earlier from an individual who claims to be a longtime reader this blog.

The purpose of this individual's email was quite simply: Bacon Shoe, so when I clicked on the link provided I thought I would end up with a pair of bacon shoes or at least a pair of pig sandals.

I was mistaken. What I found on the other end of the url was video of what appears to be a musical group call Bacon Shoe playing live at a bar/club. I immediately was hooked, at first by the bacon that Mr. Ruggles was cooking on stage and once my boss left the office by the "music."

A little about Bacon Shoe from Kansas City's The Pitch: "This trio — consisting of an MC (Lethal D) who raps about sex and disease, a hype man ('Toine) who shouts out the number of beers he happens to be holding and calls himself "the cocktopus" (because I got eight dicks), and a guy in a paramedic suit and mangled dog-head mask (Mr. Ruggles) who cooks bacon on a griddle onstage and distributes it to the crowd — treads the line recklessly between insult and tribute.

Bacon Shoe, when you are in DC let me know, I got the booze, you got the bacon.

Update: The emailer was not a stranger at all, but a dear friend and Black, White and Pink party-going enthusiast Sandro. I apologize for any emotional trauma that my calling you a stranger may have had.

With parents like these, who needs friends?

2006-06-20T09:47:00.000-04:00

My parents are pretty cool even by San Francisco standards, but they have nothing on these two parents in Arizona. Unfortunately, the Arizona couple will not be seeing much of their children after police arrested the Chandler parents, accusing them of giving marijuana to their young sons as a reward for good behavior. I have heard of parents rewarding their children with a couple bucks after completing their chores, but to reward your 12 and 11 year olds with a gram of marijuana each after watering your own marijuana plants is questionable parenting, even by my own standards.

In other marijuana-parenting related news, the second season of Weeds (otherwise known as the only reason to watch Showtime) is set to debut shortly. It is a really entertaining show and I highly recommend it.

World Cupful of Milk

2006-06-19T11:28:00.000-04:00

The World Cup has begun in Germany, which means that drunk freaks outnumber sober citizens in the European country by at least 2:1. What is more concerning is the fact that these drunken hooligans are recklessly breastfeeding in public, endangering not only good taste but the safety of their little hooligans.

Bowling for Kid's Sake

2006-06-19T10:34:00.000-04:00

A brief public service announcement: If you know me, you know that, like Trick Daddy, I "love the kids." You might also know that I also love bowling. So, when an opportunity comes along to bowl and help the children I cannot pass it up. I encourage you to join me and find your local chapter of Big Brothers Big Sisters and "Bowl for Kids' Sake."

However, charitable causes are not the point of this post. The point is that this weekend Colin "Nasty Nate" Platt was in DC. While the weekend was full of memorable moments I don't remember or don't care to recount most of them and there is no documentary accounting of them to share with you.

What I will divulge and did document is our bowling outing last night at the swanky Lucky Strike bowl at the Verizon Center. Accompanying myself, "Dirty Ding" and "Nasty Nate" was Beth "Bethamphetamine", who generously allowed us full access to her apartment compex's pool yesterday.

At the bowling ally, "Nasty Nate" tried to change his nom de guerre to something really stupid, but because this is my blog I won't even dignify the propsed name change by acknowledging it. What I am willing to acknowledge is that his Nastiness bowled one hell of a game, recording a personal best 146. after bowling a strike.

Below: "Nasty Nate" after bowling one of his several strikes and soiling himself drinking Bud Light in the bathroom.

Below: "Bethamphetamine" as photographed from the top of "Dirty Ding's" fully extended Go-Go Inspector Gadget Arms.

The Return of Koon Kong

2006-06-16T09:52:00.000-04:00

Last month, BlogNAC brought you an exclusive story and photo of Koon Kong, a raccoon/King Kong hybrid terrorizing the construction workers of Chicago. Eventually the raccoon was lured into captivity and let loose in a nearby wooded area (perhaps the Indiana dunes, who knows). Following the capture and subsequent release of Koon Kong, Chicago residents were restored to their complacent state of safety. As an added measure in assuring the Chicagoans (Chicagites?) of their security, I made a Memorial Day appearance in the Windy City, and was even able to venture outside of the Green Zone.

Well, I am sorry to say that Koon Kong has in fact returned. This past Monday it was reported by several residents of Boston that Koon Kong had emerged, this time in his most formidable manifestation, as a birthday cake.

Although my birthday was two weeks ago, the surprises continue to roll in. The greatest surprise of all was the birthday cake that my wonderful boyfriend Sam presented to me on Monday. I know that this is a total blogging faux pas, but Sam is the greatest boyfriend ever.

As you can see from the final photo, Koon Kong was eventually brought into captivity (in Sam's refrigerator) and left to be devoured by Sam's hungry roommates.

Bubble Boy v. Vending Machine Boy

2006-06-15T17:47:00.000-04:00

I see your bubble boy and raise you a vending machine boy.

A Walmart somewhere in the great state of Indians circa 2005....
A 3-year-old boy upset that his mother wouldn't let him use a crane vending machine to try to win a small stuffed animal took matters in his own hands. He climbed up the chute to get the prize himself.

Danielle Manges said she took her eyes off her son, James, for a moment to pick up a juice bottle he threw. When she looked up, he was in with the plush toys. Manges said people leaving the store went back inside to buy disposable cameras to take photos of her son. She bought one herself.

She became upset, however, when Wal-Mart employees said they did not have a key to let James out.

If you needed another reason to not shop at Walmart I think the illegal trade of small children for sale in vending machines should qualify.

In other news: Google Trends confirms our long held suspicions that St. Louis, MO is indeed the Bubble Boy capital of the world.

BlogNAC Birthday Boy of the Month

2006-06-15T09:41:00.000-04:00

BlogNAC wishes our own Alex Volberding (aka "Volberbling" or "Dirty Ding") a very happy 25th birthday!

What a fine fellow!

Also Happy Birthday to Hannah who turns 24 today. Hope you guys have fun!

"Now I aint sayin she a gold digger, but...."

2006-06-15T09:38:00.000-04:00

Henry Mora, 63, began digging two weeks ago after his gold detector picked up a signal near his front patio. 60-feet later the Montclair, CA homeowner was left with a giant hole in his lawn, filled with with illegal immigrants, but no gold.

"It was still beeping, and that just gave me the idea to keep digging" Mora acknowledged his search for buried treasure was getting "totally out of hand." Yet when asked whether he regrets starting the dig, Mora was conflicted.

A neighbor who saw the mound of dirt growing on Mora's lawn became concerned and called authorities Tuesday. Fire officials responding to the home found two men (undoubtedly illegal immigrants) inside the unreinforced hole, using a bucket and rope to remove dirt.

"We told him, 'You're done,'" Montclair fire Capt. Rich Baldwin said. "It's amazing no one got killed."

Bored at work? Go gold-digging here.

Running slowly with C.J. Parker and Jessica Simpson

2006-06-15T09:11:00.000-04:00

Singer/actress Jessica Simpson amused Pamela Anderson at a recent party, when she asked the former "Baywatch" star how to run slowly.

Simpson was overheard asking Anderson, "How did you guys run so slowly in the opening scene of 'Baywatch'?" Anderson went on to explain the concept of filming in slow motion to Simpson.

Pamela Anderson's uncle lives down the street from my parents in SF. He is a large man and a slow runner.

Other things that maybe running a little slower today: Ashlee Simpson's nose, which was recently downsized.

BlogNAC's Baby Mama of the Month

2006-06-14T08:50:00.000-04:00

I have been inexplicably saying "boom" a lot lately and I hate myself for it, but when I said it this morning it just felt right.

While we at BlogNAC have got in the habit of honoring exceptional babies in our "Baby of the Month Club" feature, we have neglected to fully honor the women that make this cuteness possible. We have had a fair share of baby mama drama over the months, ( see run-ins with hacker baby mamas, elderly and cripled baby mamas, and gorgeous supermodel baby mamas), but nothing as consistent or as revering as the baby mamas that we will be rolling out for you over the next several months.

Before I introduce BlogNAC's First Official Baby Mama of the Month I wanted to lay down some rhymes from one of the hottest songs to drop in the last five years, Fantasia Barrino's appropriately titled "Baby Mama."

B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
This goes out to all my baby mamas
B-A-B-Y M-A-M-A
This goes out to all my baby mamas
I got love for all my baby mamas

Without further adieu I present the first installment of BlogNAC's "Baby Mama of the Month." Meet Mrs. June Qiao Yubo.

The most amazing thing about her pregnancy is not that her circumference (5 feet 7 inches) exceeds her height (5 feet 5 inches), or that she eats seven meals a day or that cabbies are afraid to have her in their cars. What's truly remarkable is that she's only five months along.

She and her husband, of Songyuan, China, are expecting at least five babies.

"I'll see you after class"

2006-06-13T12:08:00.000-04:00

I am glad that the days of hot teachers having sex with their barely pubescent pupils is over, so we can return to good old-fashioned teacher-on-teacher sex. It is cleaner, doesn't usually involve charges of rape and can often be easily explained as sex education in practice or advanced anatomical instruction.

From L to R: Mary Kay Letourneau and her manchild husband, and Debra Lefave(orite teacher)
It seems like these freaky teachers are all in Florida.

Just last week two middle school teachers in Tampa resigned after students saw them having sex in a classroom, the Hillsborough County school district said.

Frances J. Sepulveda, 30, and Bryant J. Wilburn, 29, said they had sex in the classroom during school hours on "one or two occasions." They resigned last month after two students at Coleman Middle School reported they saw the teachers having sex. The classroom door was locked and a window was covered with paper, but a boy and a girl told school officials they could see inside.

Of course Ms. Sepulveda is a Spanish teacher and Mr. Wilbur is a P.E. instructor.

BlogNAC Readers of the Month

2006-06-09T15:11:00.000-04:00

Well, the votes have been tallied and we are now proud to announce the winner of BlogNAC's first ever Reader of the Month Award. This month the title has been awarded to not one but two BlogNAC readers: Sarah and Margaret Kalhorn of Chicago, IL. Congratualtions ladies! Thanks for keeping the dream alive. To everybody else, keep reading, you may be next month's Reader of the Month.

Perhaps the title should be "BlogNAC Babes of the Month"

Our Messiah.

2006-06-09T15:02:00.000-04:00

The world's most highly anticipated baby is here. While you may think I'm talking about Alex's baby-in-a-burger, I am referring, in fact, to baby Brangelina. Before showing you a picture, let's get some background on the baby.

Her name:
Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Shiloh (does anyone else agree with me that this is a boy's name?) is Hebrew for peaceful, though it can also be used to refer to the messiah. Nouvel is a masculinized form of the French word for "new" (the real masculine form is nouveau, or feminine nouvelle). Jolie means pretty. And Pitt means, well, pitt. In summation? This baby is a pretty new messiah (pitt). Now, if this wasn't the kid of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, I would say that that's a pretty lofty name to give your child. But you never know, maybe this is our messiah.

Her birthplace:

Shiloh's first glimpse of the world happened in the Cottage Medi-Clinic in Swakopmund, Namibia. It may not look like much, but the 70-bed private hospital, says a source, features a modern maternity ward.

And if you're thinking "Born in Namibia? What?!" don't worry. Not only did Angelina fly in three doctors from Cedars-Sinai so she wouldn't have to worry about Namibian nurses tending to her baby, Shiloh also has a $9 million oceanfront house in Malibu to go home to. She'll be fine.

More interesting facts:
- 57% of Namibia's population think that Shiloh's birthday should be a national holiday
- For the final two months of her pregnancy, Pitt, Jolie, and the Jolie-Pitt children stayed in the Burning Shore resort, spending $5,000 a night (quick math: that's $300,000 for their lodging alone in Namibia).
- It is being said that the baby has "mom's plush lips and dad's blue eyes." As if it wasn't going to be pretty enough already.

And, finally, the picture...

(What I'm most curious about on this cover is the "Car Crash Mix-Up: What Went Wrong.")

Poor Jennifer Aniston. At least she gets Vince Vaughn. That's compensation for no longer being married to Brad Pitt. Right?

Don't Cry Over Breast Milk

2006-06-09T11:57:00.000-04:00

So, a woman walks into a bar, a coffee bar that is, and starts to breastfeed. Would this make you feel uncomfortable? Might you complain to the manager? What if the child being breast fed was nine years old? [See Alex’ February post on the Extended Breastfeeding Movement]. What if the mother was drunk? [See E-Lo’s first person account of LUI, lactating under the influence.] If you did feel uncomfortable you would be well-advised to refrain from complaining to the manager, or risk falling victim to the wrath of the La Leche League and it’s far-reaching brand of lactivism.

A recent issue of the esteemed Pomona College Magazine tells the story of how one Pomona alumnus brought Starbucks to the forefront of the lactivist movement:

When Lorig Charkoudian ’95 took a break from running errands to grab a decaf at
Starbucks one summer afternoon in 2004, she never dreamed that the routine pit
stop would launch her on a crusade to reform the international coffee giant. She
sat down at a table with her coffee. Her 14-month-old daughter Aline was thirsty
too. Though the baby had mostly switched over to solid foods, she still nursed
occasionally.

When a manager came over and asked Charkoudian to
either nurse in the bathroom or cover the baby’s head with a blanket, she wasn’t
sure if she’d heard right. There was only one other customer in the Silver
Spring, Md., store, and his view of her was obscured by a potted plant. He
certainly hadn’t complained.Charkoudian asked the manager to repeat his request.
Then she gave him her coffee and asked for her money back. Then she demanded an
explanation—first from him, then from his superiors. That was just the
beginning. Maryland law, Charkoudian discovered in an Internet search, protects
a mother’s right to breastfeed at private businesses like Starbucks. She worked
her way up the management chain, demanding that Starbucks train all its
employees to comply with the Maryland law.

As a former Starbucks supervisor [see my profile photo titled “Death by Starbucks] I certainly have an insider’s perspective on the incident. Charloudian’s mistake was that she read the manager’s reaction as comprising a comment on public breastfeeding. Most likely the manager’s actions had very little to do with public lactation. My guess is that this manager, in his need to regulate the activity of the Starbucks clientele, was simply displaying the misery and alienation that are common side effects of a Starbucks career path. You see, when your livelihood is focused on a never-ending line of customers who expect you to answer to their beckon call, it’s nice to turn the tables once and a while and show them who’s really boss.

My favorite part of the story were the details of the staged feed-in:

A few weeks after her encounter with the manager, Charkoudian was back at the
Silver Spring Starbucks with a group of mothers, fathers, friends and babies
numbering about 100. They carried signs that said: “What’s more natural than
coffee and milk?” and “Can you drink your latte in the bathroom? I’m trying to
breastfeed.” Naturally, the little ones nursed. Mothers in Austin, Texas, and
Knoxville, Tenn., followed with nurse-ins at their local Starbuckses.

In June of 2005, Barbara Walters joined Starbucks as a new target of lactivism:

After Barbara Walters commented on her morning talk show “The View” that
the sight of a breastfeeding mother on an airplane made her uncomfortable, 200
protestors staged a nurse-in at ABC headquarters in New York.

I’m not sure where I stand on the whole breastfeeding-in-public issue. I’ll admit, the sight of a woman breastfeeding in my Starbucks always made me feel uncomfortable, but a lot of customers had the same effect and I often opted not to say anything. There was the
customer who came in everyday and asked for honey and then used it to jerk off in the bathroom. Then there was the man I called “Malachi” who was convinced that we are having a secret love affair that somehow involved black men with large penises. As a supervisor, breast-feeding was really the least of my concerns.

My question is, how exactly does Starbucks plan on training it’s employess to comply with the law. Knowing Starbucks, the training sessions will undoubtably involve role-playing, and perhaps even an elaborate breast-milk tasting session. The tasting would feature an array of breast milks from around the world, perhaps even fair trade, perfectly paired with the appropriate pastries. Breast milk latte anyone?

For more info, check out the movement's website, http://www.nurseatstarbucks.org/

Bow-Ow-Ow

2006-06-09T10:48:00.000-04:00

I often have been told that I look like a young Snoop Dogg, but that is entirely beside the point. The real point is that it has become dangerous to traffic in dead and dying dogs. A secondary point is that the weapon of choice for retaliation against these dead-dog-dealers is often the dead dog itself.

Case in Point.

A woman angry that her new puppy had died pushed her way into a dog breeder's home and repeatedly hit her on the head with the dead Chihuahua, authorities said.

The breeder wrestled the woman out of her house to the front porch, where the woman then hit the breeder over the head numerous times with the dead puppy.

That led the dog owner to get in her car -- taking the dead puppy with her, which she waved from the sunroof as she drove off.

Police aren't identifying the woman, but say she could face burglary and assault charges. The breeder wasn't seriously hurt.
If you are bored at work and want to practice killing Chihuahuas I suggest Wak-a-Chihuahua.

Recollections of a Wrigley Field Restroom

2006-06-09T08:53:00.000-04:00

Chicago used to be famous for its slaughterhouses. Thousands of cattle a day would be shipped in boxcars from ranches in the West to be killed, dismembered and repackaged for consumption in cities and states to the East. It was a feat of applied scientific management and it was beautiful.

The bathrooms at Wrigley Field operate very much like the stockyards and slaughterhouses of yesteryear, except without the beauty. Men are herded in like cattle through two sets of swinging doors from which they cannot leave, their fate being sealed. Once inside the restroom men with the hands on their flies trudge drunkenly down the trough-lined gauntlet. As soon as a space at the trough is vacated a pissful man stumbles to fill it whipping out his manhood in the process. The odd thing is the writhing sea of men never stops moving toward the exit at the opposite end of the room. Men in mid-stream side-stepping toward the door, businessmen with cellphones in one hand and their manhood in the other moving to the exit, sunburned behemoths pissing and walking, drunkards errantly spraying and stumbling toward the light at the end of room, mulleted tourists Kentuck Waterfalling in the trough and trudging toward the door.

What it's like to date R. Kelly...

2006-06-08T11:11:00.000-04:00

The Bangkok Post is reporting the Malaysians are pooing-pooing new toilets.

Malaysia's plan to place "designer: toilets with urinals in the shape of musical instruments and open mouths received public disapproval and disgust, a local poll said Thursday.The fancy urinals are set to be built in public restrooms in Malaysia's capital Kuala Lumpur in a move to make the toilets more attractive, Deputy Housing and Local Government Minister Robert Lau was quoted as saying earlier this week.

Some of the possible urinal designs included an open mouth with painted red lips and a pink tongue, a clown's face with wide open mouth and bright red lips, as well as urinals designed to look like musical instruments, a report by the New Straits Times daily said.

If you are as interested in urinals as I am you may also want to check out the work of San Francisco-based artist Clark Sorensen who has crafted beautiful flower shaped urinals.

The Albaphin: Making of the First Celebrity/Dolphin Hybrid

2006-06-08T08:26:00.000-04:00

Ten years ago when Jessica Alba was working on the television show Flipper she worked closely with a number of dolphins.

What we didn't know until now was how closely Alba worked with her waterbound costars. According to a recent interview with MTV this is what Ms. Alba had to say about her costars' sexual inclinations:

"I don't know if anybody knows this but dolphins get excited, even when you are a human being - and they have long, long... (penises). I didn't know this until I was being poked by a few of them, which was very rude. I think I learned my lesson. ... because those are horny little bastards."

This story is the most conclusive evidence to date that Dolphins are indeed the world's second most intelligent species.

June's Baby of the Month...

2006-06-07T10:14:00.000-04:00

Yum....Baby Burger.....

BlogNAChicago Style

2006-06-07T08:39:00.000-04:00

BlogNAC Bloggers Alex and Becky along with accomplice Tony "Killing Me Softly" Forte visited Chicago over Memorial Day weekend to see our dear friends Sarah and Margaret. Highlights of the trip included a Cubs game, a day at the Indiana Dunes State Park, an architechtural boat tour of downtown Chicago, and a barbeque at the park. Bloggers Alex and Becky in matching Juan Pierre jerseys outside the historic Wrigley Field and in front of the beloved Harry Caray statue.
The Cubs lose 6-5 after leading the whole game.
Becky with the Mullet. We spent many minutes tracking this mullet inside the stadium and outside the gates before making our move and documenting its existence. I think this mullet would be classified as a "Kentucky Waterfall" but because Mullets Galore has become unnecessarily complex I can't be certain that this classification is accurate. On Saturday we went to the beach in Indiana to enjoy the beautiful day. There were some low points however. We were sold some cottage cheese masquerading as sun tan lotion and narrowly escaped certain conversion by a roaming gang of Christian evangelists. Afterwards we visted quaint Chesterton, IN to sample the local variety of DQ's Blizzard (AKA Belly Buster) before heading back to the city.

On Sunday we went on a boat tour of architecture of down town Chicago. I got sun burned.

After the boat tour we headed to the park for a lil Memorial Day weekend barbeque.

Look at those beautiful strong women carrying those heavy bags filled with food and drink for the barbeque. Criticism that I did not carry anything during the trip is clearly refuted by this photo which proves beyond reasonable doubt that i was not only carrying a camera, but also using it.

It was a great weekend.

Gooooaaaaaaaaal!!!!!

2006-06-06T08:35:00.000-04:00

Consuming copious amounts of water and then relieving myself is one of the great pleasures of my work day, especially since the renovation work on my favorite bathroom is now complete. It is a wonderful feeling having flushed the body of toxins and achieved clear-pee status.

In anticipation of the upcoming World Cup certain establishments in Germany are attempting to make urinating even more fun with a soccer field, goal and ball placed inside their urinals. Personally, I have mixed feelings about the World Cup urinal. I am a huge fan of soccer and peeing, but I think that the sum of the parts may be less than than those parts individually.

Firstly, without getting too explicit, I rejoice in the sound of piss on water and feel that that the field screen may diminsh this effect and ensuing happiness.

Secondly, having not used this particular urinal I must state that I have some concerns about the splash-factor implications of placing all these foreign objects in my wall-mounted porcelain pedestal.

Thirdly and lastly, the game looks incredibly fun, especially if the fluorescent soccer ball is left loose on the field to be blasted around. (Extra points if the soccer ball doubles as a sanitizer) It is always nice to have a moving target, but a moving target with a goal is unheard of in urinaling.

Browbeater of the Month

2006-06-02T17:04:00.000-04:00

At BlogNAC we try to bring you the latest and the greatest on all things body hair. We are all waiting with bated breath (or should I say bated beards) for Alex’ entry into The Biennial World Beard and Moustache Championships on Saturday September 1, 2007. While that may seem a ways away, in the mean time, we still have arm, armpit, back, chest, eyebrow, eyelid, leg, nipple and nose hairs to report on. Well, as it turns out, these are all areas of entry for the Guinness category of “longest individual strand of hair.”

Note to readers: The following story has maintained “Top Story” status in the Port Townsend Leader (WA) for going on four days now.

At first, Leonard Traenkenschuh thought seeking a world record for having the longest strand of eyebrow hair was a “hair”-brained idea. But the more he thought about it, the more the notion grew on him. So, last week, the Port Townsend man completed the documentation necessary to meet the Guinness World Records criteria for longest individual strand of eyebrow hair. The current world record is just a follicle more than 3 inches. Leonard has two – count ’em, two – hairs past that length. His longest strand is 3½ inches.

“I didn’t set out to grow a hair to set a record,” says the man who has lived in Port Townsend since 1980 and works at the hospital transcribing medical records. “This just happened.”

Leonard, 56, has never been a particularly hairy person. He does not have a beard and does not have thick sideburns or a mustache. “I just have fertile brows,” he says.

According to the Guinness rulebook, the hair must be natural (no extensions), should be washed immediately prior to measuring, and the measurement taken when the hair is wet (wet hair is naturally longer than dry hair). The longest strand must be laid flat along the length of a rule and must be measured three times on one occasion.

Leonard has a half-dozen long, curly hairs extending from his right eyebrow and about the same number from his left eyebrow. The longest – officially measured, with ruler and tweezers, at 3½ inches – is from his right eyebrow. The longest from over his left eye measured at 3 3/8 inches.
[Leonard] expects it to take a few months before Guinness responds with what he hopes is certification of his having the world’s longest strand of eyebrow hair.

“Call me the ‘eyebrow-hair man,’ that’s OK,” he smiles. “I’ll just keep growing along.”

Well Leonard, BlogNAC wishes you the best of luck in all of your brow-beating edeavors.

"It's Pleasant in Placentia"

2006-06-02T11:16:00.000-04:00

Placentia, CA has long been ridiculed because of its unfortunate name. But its actually pretty nice in Placentia. Today it is a pleasant 68 degrees, which sounds pretty good compared to the hot and humid womb-like conditions in DC today.

I was going to post a picture of human placenta and make an easy off-color comment about Tom Cruise eating Katie Holmes' placenta, but having viewed some pictures of placenta and subsequently vomiting in my trash can I decided against it.

Instead, I leave you with an uplifting picture of an individual with an unfortunate name, Dick Butkus, who after years of ridicule at the hands of his pimple-faced junior-high classmates decided to get jacked and kick their asses. Here's to you Dick Butkus, you maverick renegade.

"Is that a gun in your pocket?"

2006-06-02T08:40:00.000-04:00

A man wearing a purple women's bathing suit and carrying a flare gun was arrested after he told a bartender he was going to "get rid of all the dirt bags in Key West," authorities said. Jeffrey C. Anderson, 55, was charged with carrying a concealed firearm Monday after he brandished the flare gun, which was under a skirt he was wearing.

She reported she had seen a man, later identified as Anderson, dancing in the street showing tourists his private parts, and asking people for money when they took his picture," the news release said. Police quickly located Anderson and found an orange 12-gauge flare gun in his possession, Phillips said. He was transported to the Monroe County detention center.

In other news: An image of Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) is the second most popular image when conduction a Google image search for cross dressing man.

So sorry...

2006-06-01T08:24:00.000-04:00

We have been a little slow lately and we apologize.

We just can't get around as fast as we used to.

Today, BlogNAC team member Rebecca Sanchez celebrates another year here on Mothership Earth. I won't reveal how old she is because to do so would be rude, but I will say that Becky is 25 today and according to recent reports has become very mature. In the few short years that I have known her she has become one of my best friends. Please join with me in celebrating Becky today.

Advanced Table Tennis

2006-05-16T08:33:00.000-04:00

Introduction to Table Tennis is but one of many physical eduation courses I failed at Pomona before ultimately passing Bowling. I probably would have failed Bowling too had it not been for my amazing teammates/life partners Rebecca "Backdoor Becky" Sanchez and Colin "Nasty Nate" Platt." However, the exploits of Dirty Ding's Kingpins on the waxed lanes at the Brunswick Upland Bowl is a story for another day because today and the rest of the week belongs to our respected elders making war, not love, on the ping pong tables of Bremen, Germany.

The World Veterans Table Tennis Championship is currently underway in Bremen, Germany (Do you get the feeling that Germany is monopolizing the best events these days from the recent Beard and Moustache Championship in Hesel to the upcoming 2006 World Cup?)

Dorothy De Low, (pictured above) a 95-year-old from Sydney, pounds a vicious back-spinning backhand against that youngster, 94-year-old Yukie Uchida (pictured below) from Japan.

If you are interested in finding a good program in the United States for a aging family member or friend may I suggest the Sunrise Table Tennis Club in sunny Clearwater, Florida. The STTC Seniors led by Nahed “The Silver Scorpion” Williams, Margo “The Magnificent” Lindsay and Jose “Joe” Borges, just dominate the competition at the Florida Senior Games.

an addendum to alex's post

2006-05-15T17:19:00.000-04:00

the best 13 years of your life.

2006-05-15T15:36:00.000-04:00

Currently a college student myself, I realize how much fun this year has been and how much fun the next three will be. I was recently talking to one of my friends who's a third year. She had just met with her academic advisor who told her that she could petition to graduate this year, because she had already fulfilled her requirements. We both laughed at the notion of leaving college a year early when you could spend another year fucking around and having fun, and maybe taking some classes.

I get that. That doesn't mean that I'll want to stay at UCSD for 5 years or, say, 13.

Johnny Lechner is a 29-year-old undergrad at the University of Wisconsin - Whitewater. I don't think I stand alone when I say that I had never heard of this school until reading about Mr. Lechner. Being dubbed a "real life Van Wilder," Lechner realized after four years of college that that wouldn't be enough for him. So her stuck around for another year. And another. And another. And another. You get the idea. He will be entering his 13th year as an undergrad (making him a super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super-super senior) in the Fall of 2006. He was going to graduate this year, but withdrew his application to graduate when he realized, "Hey, I've been here for 12 years and I have yet to go abroad!"

This guy has his own wikipedia.org entry, countless articles/blogs about him, and (of course) his own (awesome) website. From his site (not surprisingly named www.johnnylechner.com):

The upcoming school year will be lived like a movie since Johnny has created a "super-secret-double-probation" list of the final 100 things that he needs to do before his graduation day.

I only hope he came up with that title of the list on his own. Yeah, college!! Among many stupid features on his blog (1) a link to donate to pay his college tuition?! no, thank you; 2) AIM buddy icons of Johnny; 3) Johnny paraphernalia; 4) pictures of Johnny at one of - presumably - many toga parties), there is a list of his accomplishments while in college. Granted, some of them are commendable: Dean's list, 4.0 in a semester, etc., but one of them stood out as moderately ridiculous:

Recognized for exception guest service (Olive Garden)

I mean, really...

Johnny currently has 234 college credits (100 more than he needed to graduate from UWW) and if he had graduated this year, would have received degrees in education, communications, theather, health, and women's studies. The UW Board of Regents implemented a new tax once they realized how long he'd be staying. Like most public state universities (mine included!), the tuition at UWW is lower for residents of that state, subsidized by the taxpayers themselves. Johnny got to enjoy this benefit of being a resident of Wisconsin for five years, after which his tuition essentially doubled (the tax has been dubbed the "slacker tax").

Real Life Were-Rabbit

2006-05-15T13:52:00.000-04:00

The BBC and the Mail & Guardian are reporting that sharp-shooters have been brought in to defend allotment patches in Northumberland suffering from a real-life "curse of the were-rabbit".

The ravenous giant rabbit, named after the famed Wallace and Gromit character, is reported to have ripped up dozens of prize-winning leeks and turnips.

Now growers in Felton, near Morpeth, have drafted in licensed gamekeepers with air rifles to halt the rampage.

But animal welfare workers have called for the animal to be trapped instead.
Four gardeners described the rabbit as having one ear larger than the other.

He's A Jolly Healthy Fellow

2006-05-15T10:48:00.000-04:00

Smokey the Bear Says....

"Congratulations Alex on one year of no smoking!!!!! Way to do your part in protecting us from forest fires and other smoking-related disasters"

"I am so healthy right now. I spend most of my money on organic foods. I am like a lil squirrel; A big organic nut and seed loving squirrel."
-Alex

Teeth Chicken and Toothed Chickens

2006-05-15T10:44:00.000-04:00

Urban Dictionary defines teeth chicken as "Any particle of food that you happen to pick out of your teeth many hours after the meal's over. Named so because the particle is usually white and has a chicken meat-like texture."

CNN reports that scientists have grown chicken embryos with teeth. Cells were transplanted from mice into the chicken embryos -- called chimeras.

"Basically, this tells you that the bird still has the genetic information required to initiate tooth development, if their are cells capable of responding to it," Professor Sharpe, from King's College, London, told The Times newspaper Wednesday.

Discovery Channel News reports that these same scientists have gone a step further inducing chickens born with a mutated gene associated with tooth development into growing functioning teeth.

FEMA raps for preparedness

2006-05-15T09:22:00.000-04:00

"Yo Katrina... I ain't scared
cause FEMA's got my back I know we're prepared!"

The following is a rap son prepared for the FEMA website by Scott J. Wolfson, son of Marc Wolfson, former content manager for the website.

Disaster...it can happen anywhere
But we've got a few tips, so you can be prepared
For flood, tornadoes, or even a 'quake
You've got to be ready-so your heart don't break
Disaster prep is your responsibility
And mitigation is important to our agency.
People helping people is what we do,
And FEMA is there to help see you though
When disaster strikes, we our at our best-
But we're ready all the time, cause disasters don't rest

milk and cookies...

2006-05-15T03:53:00.000-04:00

If you had the choice between eating cookies or drinking milk what would you choose? Now, what if the cookies were given to you on a plate with a note attached, reading "We made these cookies just for you, hope you enjoy them" and the milk had little green pellets in the bottom. You'd choose the cookies, right? Good decision.

A mom in Maine was found guilty of assisting her daughter and two friends in baking cookies with laxative pills crushed in them and giving them to their teacher at school. What she was thinking when she did this, I don't know, but she told the girls how to crush the Ex-Lax pills and mix them in the batter. The girls used the whole bottle. The teacher, being the good samaritan she is, gave the cookies to her students. Whoops.

Julie Hunt was arrested Friday after a police investigation into the attempted prank at Carrabec Community School in Anson that sickened four seventh- and eighth-grade children.

Meanwhile, in Oregon, a teenage girl tried to kill two classmates by putting d-Con rat poison in the girls' milk. Clearly this girl cared a little bit less about being caught (she just wanted these girls dead) so she didn't think to, you know, conceal the green pellets in any way, shape, or form. Her psychiatrist so aptly noted that this poor girl can't tell right from wrong. No, you think? Like the targets, I would avoid drinking any milk that had green pellets sitting at the bottom. I love milk, but not that much.

The consequences? The Maine mom is being charged with a misdemeanor while the 12-year-old Oregonian gets to spend the next 12 years of her life in a juvenile detention center (I wonder how the other girls at the Hillcrest Girls' School will feel about eating meals with this one once she gets there...).

And on a tangent, while looking for a good picture of a glass of milk, I found that milk is Minnesota's state drink. Now I have validation for liking it so much -- it's my roots (said with the Minnesotan accent, of course)!

the cutest hybrid yet!

2006-05-14T05:13:00.000-04:00

when puppy meets hot dog...

who could blame him, really?

2006-05-12T09:45:00.000-04:00

Finally something interesting emerges from the otherwise bland national security/whore/bribery/poker scandal:

The man Mr. Goss first selected to become the C.I.A.'s executive director, Michael V. Kostiw, had to turn down the job when it surfaced in the news media that he had resigned from the agency in the 1980's after being caught shoplifting bacon.

If there'd been a good bacon-loving fellow like Kostiw at the agency, well, I don't want to say we would have already won the War on Terror, but, really, we definetly would have.

Thanks to BlogNAC's UK/Intelligence correspondent for the link.

really, i'm terrified...

2006-05-11T21:13:00.000-04:00

To continue the trend of animal-related posts (and I'm considering Noah's "air jaws" post to be animal-related), I thought I might post this scary, scary turn of events...

Hunters in Canada recently killed what tests have confirmed to be a grizzly-polar bear hybrid. Now, I don't know how other people feel about this, but I'm a little terrified about the animal hybridization that's occuring... King Kong and a raccoon? Horses and donkeys? Grizzly bears and polar bears? I don't even want to imagine what other terrible things biology has planned for the future. Let's just hope that things don't get too messy (i.e. birds with fangs, snakes with legs, etc.).

Here, the aborigine and the hunters pose with their prize. And I present a contest. What should this new animal be called? (Is it weird to give the hybrid a name after it's been killed? ....eh, oh well). Some options have been presented:

Stirling said others in his office have been tossing around in jest possible names for the hybrid: a "pizzly" or a "grolar bear." One colleague said they ought to call it "nanulak," combining the Inuit names for polar bear -- "nanuk" -- and grizzly bear, which is "aklak."

I don't like any of these. Let's think of better ones. And keep praying that this (or worse hybrids) don't come down to the good ol', innocent US).

Koon Kong

2006-05-11T19:13:00.000-04:00

I read about this story a few days ago and Alex suggested that I Photoshop a raccoon head onto King Kong. This proved to be more easily said than done. Here's a BlogNAC poll: When your boss catches you at somebody else's computer trying to photoshop a raccoon head onto King Kong, what is the most reasonable response? I opted for an explication of how hard it is to teach yourself Photoshop culminating with, "Really, I am just screwing around."

CHICAGO: A raccoon that was living on the roof of a 43-story federal building in downtown Chicago
has been released in the suburban wilds to fend for himself.The Kluczynski Federal
Building is undergoing a façade restoration and is flanked by scaffolding that construction boss Tony Slavic suspects
was the raccoon's pathway from the roof to street-level dumpsters, the Chicago Sun-Times reported Thursday.He said when a worker sighted
a raccoon on the 36th floor platform, he joked about the man drinking too much at lunch. But other workers started
reporting the animal, which always bolted up the scaffolding out of sight, and
one snapped a picture with a cell phone camera.Biology professor Joel Brown of the
University of Illinois at Chicago said raccoons react to a threat by retreating
to a familiar place, so the fact it made for the roof likely meant it was living
there, Brown said.Slavic confirmed it by placing a humane trap on the roof with
a can of tuna, and after one attempt where the tuna disappeared,
caught the raccoon and released it in a wooded area near his home.

In other related news, I recently moved out of my own raccoon-infested palace and last week I officially declared the raccoon to be my new power animal. I suppose distance does make the heart grow fonder.

the shark's out of the bag

2006-05-11T09:38:00.000-04:00

Some of you may be familiar with the story of the MIT grad student who tried to order custom Nikes off their website with "Sweat Shop" written on them and had his request refused. If you're not, you should check out the pretty amazing email exchange that ended up getting the would-be shoe buyer on the Today show:

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After consulting Webster's Dictionary, I discovered that "sweatshop" is in fact part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: "a shop or factory in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under unhealthy conditions" and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does meet the criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is "about freedom to choose and freedom to express who you are." I share Nike's love of freedom and personal expression. The site also says that "If you want it done right...build it yourself." I was thrilled to be able to build my own shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject my order.

Thank you,
Jonah Peretti

Now, lots of you might read that and be all like, "Oh Nike, you got served!" Not me. I read that and think, "Oooh, custom shoes." It's because I have no soul.

Well, the wait has been nearly impossible. I ordered my shoes in late March and they only arrived yesterday. According to UPS tracking data, the shipment originated in Thailand, but there was a major delay in Tao-Yuan, Taiwan when "THE AIRLINE OFF-LOADED PACKAGES." That's never the kind of thing you want to hear. It was cryptic messages like that which led me to believe that I'd never see my shoes. But then, like the first ray of sunshine after months of rainy barefoot darkness, they appeared.

They come in a bag like fancy shoes.

Oh, do you like those colors? Because I PICKED THEM!

MOTHERFUCKIN' SHARK SHOES!!!1!!!!!1!!!

at least he wasn't nominated for the supreme court

2006-05-08T10:18:00.000-04:00

QUESTION: Jonathan Landay with Knight Ridder. I'd like to stay on the same issue, and that had to do with the standard by which you use to target your wiretaps. I'm no lawyer, but my understanding is that the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution specifies that you must have probable cause to be able to do a search that does not violate an American's right against unlawful searches and seizures. Do you use --

GEN. HAYDEN: No, actually -- the Fourth Amendment actually protects all of us against unreasonable search and seizure.

QUESTION: But the --

GEN. HAYDEN: That's what it says.

QUESTION: But the measure is probable cause, I believe.

GEN. HAYDEN: The amendment says unreasonable search and seizure.

QUESTION: But does it not say probable --

GEN. HAYDEN: No. The amendment says --

QUESTION: The court standard, the legal standard --

GEN. HAYDEN: -- unreasonable search and seizure.

Full exchange here, via Atrios.

Hmm, let's go to the source on this one.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

How confident was Gen. Hayden, Bush's nominee for CIA chief, in the rightness of his answer? Just confident enough to discredit everyone working at his former agency. Well done idiot assface.

Just to be very clear -- and believe me, if there's any amendment to the Constitution that employees of the National Security Agency are familiar with, it's the Fourth. And it is a reasonableness standard in the Fourth Amendment.

there is no college that teaches you how to control a pack of dogs.

2006-05-07T10:09:00.000-04:00

Today in the NYT Magazine Deborah Solomon has a chat with "Dog Whisperer" Cesar Millan.

Q: As the founder of the Dog Psychology Center in Los Angeles, you claim that Americans are driving their pets to the brink of insanity by smothering them with affection.

The U.S. is a very assertive society with people, but not when it comes to dogs. People are soft and kissy with dogs. That is why dogs take over. All dogs in America are suffering from the same problem — lack of exercise and lack of leadership.

On your television show, "Dog Whisperer," and in your new book, "Cesar's Way," you encourage dog owners to treat their pets with the "calm assertiveness" of a natural pack leader. Why is that state apparently so hard to achieve?

Because Americans are focused on making money. And to make a lot of money, you have to be hyper.

And you believe that we're projecting our own neuroses onto our dogs, even when we leave the house?

If what you do is say, "I'm sorry, baby, Mommy has to go, blah, blah, blah," the dog doesn't understand what you are saying. He only understands that you are in a soft state and he is dominating you.

How can I, a non-dog-psychologist layperson, learn to calmly assert myself over my dog and not allow him to dominate? The interview doesn't offer many suggestions but, luckily, a lawsuit filed against Millan since the NYT Magazine went to print may provide some tips.

A television producer is suing dog trainer Cesar Millan, star of TV's The Dog Whisperer, claiming that his Labrador retriever was injured at Millan's training facility after being suffocated by a choke collar and forced to run on a treadmill.

In a lawsuit filed Thursday in Superior Court, 8 Simple Rules producer Flody Suarez says he took 5-year-old Gator to the Dog Psychology Center on Feb. 27 to deal with fears of other dogs and strangers.

Hours after dropping the dog off at the facility, Suarez claimed a worker called to inform him the animal had been rushed to a veterinarian. He later found the dog "bleeding from his mouth and nose, in an oxygen tent gasping for breath and with severe bruising to his back inner thighs," the lawsuit claims.

The facility's workers allegedly placed a choke collar on the dog, pulled him onto a treadmill and forced him to "overwork." Suarez says he spent at least $25,000 on medical bills and the dog must undergo more surgeries for damage to his esophagus.

Be sure, though, to remain absolutely calm when choking the dog. They can sense if you are agitated. And always speak in a whisper. They like that.

Shoes the size of Rhode Island...

2006-05-05T17:48:00.000-04:00

I wear large shoes, so I have empathy for anyone who has to look for shoes sized nearly twice my own size. I don't know any such people personally, but have found one in Igor Vovkovinskiy. Fortunately for young Igor, his shoes come to him like an order from zappos.

Shoemaker Georg Wessels traveled from Germany to personally deliver some king-size footwear to a Rochester, Minnesota man.

Igor Vovkovinskiy, who stands at 7-foot-8, received three pairs of size-26 shoes crafted specifically to fit his feet.

As part of his business, Wessels makes shoes free-of-charge for the world's 10 tallest people, which include the 23-year-old Ukrainian immigrant.

These are not the world's biggest shoes however. That title belongs to the Marikina City, which crafted the world's largest pair of shoes, each measuring 5.5 meters long, 2.25 meters wide and 1.83 meters high. The heel alone measures 41 centimeters or 16 inches. The P2-million shoes can reportedly fit to a 37.5-meter or 125-foot giant. Around 30 people could put their feet into the colossal shoes simultaneously.

may's baby of the month

2006-05-05T15:20:00.000-04:00

to follow up on the baby of the month for february that alex elected, i found blogNAC's baby for may (a boy this time, but also from china like baby Wang Qian).

welcome to the family, little one.

let's just hope he doesn't introduce this nasty habit to the gymnastic baby. these two hobbies don't fit very well together...

For the cause

2006-05-05T14:03:00.000-04:00

Vince was asking if there was a way he could contribute to the benefit for Ryan's mom. If you would like to, you can paypal me (I have a link over in the sidebar). I promise to give the $$ to the benefit committee.

Thanks.

special taste

2006-05-05T12:25:00.000-04:00

At BlogNAC parties, Alex is known as the master of alcohol infusions. His specialty is a cucumber-infused vodka that, in my opinion, goes especially well with ginger ale. Alex cuts the cucumbers into long strips rather than into chunks, so the end result, besides being tasty, is quite aesthetically appealing. The makers of the following infusion seem to have gotten the tasty part down, but are still struggling with its appearance.

BUDAPEST, Hungary - Hungarian builders who drank their way to the bottom of a huge barrel of rum while renovating a house got a nasty surprise when a pickled corpse tumbled out of the empty barrel, a police magazine Web site reported.

It's too bad that a naked man fell out of the barrel because until then the Hungarian builders had especially enjoyed the rum's unique properties.

According to the Web site, workers said the rum in the 300-liter barrel had a “special taste” so they even decanted a few bottles of the liquor to take home.

A new work/spanking scandal...

2006-05-04T12:05:00.000-04:00

Getting spanked at work in front of your colleagues is old news... The new news is embezzling money from work to pay for spankings after work.

A charity foundation's former accountant, who admitted embezzling heart disease research funds that he used to pay an Ohio dominatrix to beat him, was sentenced Tuesday to two to six years in prison.

Abraham Alexander, 45, of East Meadow, N.Y., pleaded guilty to grand larceny in March. Alexander admitted he stole $237,162 from the Cardiovascular Research Foundation between Nov. 2, 2003, and April 20, 2005.

What I don't really understand about this particular spanking scandal is why Mr. Alexander, who lives in NY, was travelling all the way to Ohio for his red-assing. I am pretty sure such services could have been procured much closer to home and for less than the $200,000+ he spent. Jesus, he should have just joined a fraternity, the annual dues are lower than the $250 he spent per hour on this woman.

toe in the pooper, or...

2006-05-04T05:01:00.000-04:00

a stab in the ass...

Canadian newspaper The Sun reported on May 3 the stabbing of a man. What's so significant about a stabbing, you ask? Well, this man, unlike most conventional stabbing cases, was stabbed in the bum.

The 38-year-old man was taken to the hospital after the paramedics received a report of a stabbing at 11:20pm. Blood was gushing from his buttocks and he suffered major blood loss from his "tender area."

Of course, the Sun felt that they could not publish this story without making an egregiously offensive pun.

Maybe he assed for it.

Silly Canadians.

Food for thought....

2006-05-03T09:38:00.000-04:00

I often remark that what I miss most about San Francisco is not the family or friends I left behind when I moved to DC, but the burritos. So, here is a brief list of what I consider to be the taquerias with the best burritos in San Francisco.

Tacqueria Cancun: With two Mission Street locations that are open until 2am, I frequently found myself here after drinking in the Mission. I always indulge in the super steak burrito with its perfectly crisped tortilla and delicious bean, meat and cheese inards. This is the best burrito in San Francisco, however there is significant risk of severe post-burrito hangover.

Pancho Villa/El Toro Taquerias: These establishments were the Mission taquerias of my youth. Although I prefer Cancun, I have been known to return to Pancho Villa and El Toro when laziness/inebriation prevents me from walking the additional four blocks to Cancun.

Gordo Burrito: This burrito is the antithesis of the classic Mission-style burrito, which means that it is delicious in an entirely different way. In a departure from the carne asada, at Gordo I swear by the super boiled chicken burrito with everything. The end result if often a wet pile of chicken and rice surrounded by the remnants of a super-saturated tortilla, but it is worth it. I have heard that Gordo is owned by a Japanese family and my friend James claims that those making the burritos are Middle Eastern, but have not confirmed the first charge and am supremely confident that James is an idiot. Regardless, if you find yourself in the Richmond or the Sunset and can't make the trek crosstown I highly recommend Gordo.

i wonder if he found anything up there...

2006-05-02T11:58:00.000-04:00

Now this is just crossing a line...

In the picture below, he player in red is the Los Angeles Clippers' Chris Kaman, and the player in white is the Denver Nuggets' Reggie Evans.

If you can't tell from the picture, Evans is currently in the process of reaching his hand between Kaman's legs, grabbing his testicles, and pulling them back to prevent Kaman from going up for the rebound.

In response to this unsolicited prostate exam, Kaman said:

He grabbed my nuts. ... [Reporter: Was it painful?] Oh wow, um, no. It just shocked me at first. It was so surprising. I was like, 'Wow.' You know like... It was unbelievable, I mean it's an exper-- In a basketball game where you're playing basketball with someone just to grab your nuts and then not-- sometimes, you know, like you're boxing out and you hit somebody or something, whatever. But this dude reached from behind me, grabbed my nuts and pulled them, you know, back towards-- tried to rip them off, basically. I just, I mean I couldn't believe it. Honestly the first time I was like, 'What just happened? I just got violated,' right? I'm just playing a basketball game. So then, to think maybe you know I just drill this dude. And I'm like, 'Man, you know, I do that and I'm on his level, to do what he just did. I can't afford to sit out a game, you know for money reasons and for, you know, reasons of missing the game. It's just not worth it,' so i just shove him a bit.

If I had testicles and someone did that to me, he would have gotten a lot more than a shove.

Codename: Apollo

2006-05-02T10:55:00.000-04:00

A Brief Timeline of Carl Weathers' Life

1948 – Born. Louisiana.

1948-Early 70’s – Gym and acting lessons.

Early 70’s – Professional football. Oakland Raiders.

1974 – Retires from football to pursue acting career.

1976 – Rocky. Plays Apollo Creed.

Stay in school and use your brain. Be a doctor, be a lawyer, carry a leather briefcase. Forget about sports as a profession. Sports make ya grunt and smell. See, be a thinker, not a stinker.

1976-1987 – Various Rocky movies, probably getting laid a lot, having mixed feelings about only being called Apollo at bars/by women/by family.

1987 – Predator. Expresses desire to costars Ventura and Schwarzenegger to run an insurgent campaign for governor. Promises costars jobs in his administration, but privately plans on reneging, can’t have ‘roided-up meatheads like that on staff.

1987-1996 – Dead to me.

1996 – Happy Gilmore.

Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.

1996-2005 – Contrary to popular belief, not killed in a meth lab explosion. Little is known about this period. Some suspect this may have been the beginning of Weathers’ strategic partnership with the Pentagon, Codename: Apollo (over Weathers’ strong objections).

2005 – Arrested Development.

Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie—Hot Ice with Anne Archer—never once touched my per diem. I’d go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-Soup— baby, I got a stew going.

2006 – Rumored to be first in line to replace Donald Rumsfeld, based primarily on the success of his efforts to train U.S. soldiers shipping out to Iraq.

Out here, 150 miles northeast of Los Angeles, units of the 10th Mountain Division from Fort Drum, N.Y., are among the latest war-bound troops who have gone through three weeks of training that introduce them to the harsh episodes that characterize the American experience in Iraq.

In a 1,000-square-mile region on the edge of Death Valley, Arab-Americans, many of them from the Iraqi expatriate community in San Diego, populate a group of mock villages resembling their counterparts in Iraq. American soldiers at forward operating bases nearby face insurgent uprisings, suicide bombings and even staged beheadings in underground tunnels. Recently, the soldiers here, like their counterparts in Iraq, have been confronted with Sunni-Shiite riots. At one village, a secret guerrilla revolt is in the works.

It is a marriage of military technology and Hollywood fakery; some 350 Arabic-speaking Iraqi-Americans and plainclothes Nevada National Guardsman live here almost year-round to offer American trainees what one officer described as "a vortex of chaos." The insurgents even get acting lessons, coached by Carl Weathers, best known for his portrayal of the boxer Apollo Creed in the "Rocky" films.

Your face looks like a Dutch landscape..

2006-05-02T08:33:00.000-04:00

And the winners are in from the Beard and Moustache Championships in Hesel, Germany...

In the freestyle competition, Elmar Weisser took the gold for his hairy windmill.

"Don't Spank Me. I'm Working" Case Update...

2006-05-02T08:22:00.000-04:00

Update. Update.

A jury awarded $500,000 Friday to a woman who sued her employer after she was spanked in front of her colleagues in what the company called a camaraderie-building exercise.

The jury of six men and six women found that Janet Orlando had suffered from sexual harassment and sexual battery when she was paddled on her backside on three occasions during her employment at home security company Alarm One Inc. in Fresno.

sluts, eggs, and virgins

2006-05-02T02:01:00.000-04:00

hello, blogNAC! before i write my first post, i feel as though i should introduce myself. i'm co-blogger Alex's little sister, Emily. that's all the introduction that i feel is necessary, so on to my post...

in what is quite possibly the best bathroom literature ever, there is a section entitled "allegedly genuine responses given by mothers seeking british child support, in the section asking for father's details" (concise chapter title, no?). some of these are so good that it made it impossible to choose just one. here are a few of my favorites:

i am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. after all, when you eat a can of beans, you can't be sure which one made you fart.

i have never had sex with a man. i am awaiting a letter from the pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

so much about that night is a blur. the only thing that i remember for sure is delia smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. if i'd have stayed in and watched more tv rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilized.

and, the best one...

i do not know the name of the father of my little girl. she was conceived at a party at [address given], where i had unprotected sex with a man i met that night. i do remember that the sex was so good that i fainted. if you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? thanks.

this all makes me really happy i don't have any illegitimate children for whom i need child support.

"The LBC" refers to "Long Beach City" or "Long Beach, California." There is no "Long Beach County."

2006-04-29T18:18:00.000-04:00

From the Washington Post:

ABC's prime-time drama "Commander in Chief," starring Geena Davis as the president, ignited an explosion of anger in Prince George's County yesterday as community leaders denounced an episode as offensive and racist for portraying the county as crime-ridden and in need of a federal takeover...

Another of the show's insults, critics said, was its references to the county by its initials, P.G. Some residents argue that Prince George's should not be referred to by its initials because no other county is. A state senator once corrected basketball star Earvin "Magic" Johnson during a news conference when he called the county P.G.

"The people in this county know that when other people say it, it's meant as a put-down," Taylor said.

It's true. There's literally not a single other county in America that's commonly referred to by its initials.

yeah, but they'll probably just stick with "we can do better"

2006-04-29T13:45:00.000-04:00

Greg Saunders does some Democratic branding for Nov. '06 so they don't have to:

Interesting news today. On the Democratic side, five congressmen were arrested for protesting outside the Sudanese embassy over the genocide in Darfur. On the Republican side, as many as a half a dozen congressmen may be implicated in a prostitution ring tied to one of the many GOP bribery scandals. That pretty much sums it up. Your choice is between the party of human rights or the party of whores.

like, step one

2006-04-29T12:42:00.000-04:00

Lost in the coverage of Bush's bold declaration yesterday that "the National Anthem ought to be sung in English" (and that "people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English, and they ought to learn to sing the National Anthem in English"*), was his also likely unintended unveiling of his administration's hurricane disaster plan for what "scientists" may think of as the imminent (more on this in a second) 2006 hurrican season:

Q Yes, sir, regarding FEMA, do you think that they're prepared for the season? And is there any way to measure that at this point?

THE PRESIDENT: [...] It's going to be interesting -- let's pray -- first of all, pray there's no hurricanes. That would be, like, step one. Step two, if one is coming...

"It's going to be interesting"? "let's pray"? "first of all, pray there's no hurricanes"? "That would be, like, step one"? "if one is coming..."?

I'll offer it without comment, this "One-Two Step 2006 Hurricane Preparedness Plan", but while we're at it, here's what we know about the "if one is coming" factor:

On December 5, 2005, Dr. Gray's team issued its first extended-range forecast for the 2006 season, predicting a well above-average season (17 named storms, 9 hurricanes, 5 of Category 3 or higher). [2]

Additionally, once again, the team predicted a high potential for at least one major hurricane to directly impact the United States: the forecast indicates an 81% chance of at least one major hurricane striking the U.S. mainland (including a 64% chance of at least one major hurricane strike on the East Coast of the United States including the Florida peninsula, and a 47% chance of at least one major hurricane strike on the Gulf Coast of the United States from the Florida Panhandle westward). In addition, the potential for major hurricane activity in the Caribbean was above average. A few months later, on April 4, 2006, Dr. Gray issued another forecast that reaffirmed the forecast previously made in December.

What's like, great is that "like, step one" may well be the most promising.

*a curious stance (although he did pepper it with the qualifier "i think") of really questionable importance that I'm not sure the president meant to take when answering a question about the existence of such an anthem -- the scattered a singing of the "star spangled banner" in an alternate language being one issue that no one on any 'side' of the immigration debate has seemed to be all that concerned with.

Blood Sport.

2006-04-28T17:05:00.000-04:00

A professional golf ball diver hired by the city Palm Beach, FL to retrieve golf balls from a lake was attacked and killed by a 14-foot alligator and that bit the man's legs and arms off one by one before leaving his lifeless torso bobbing in the bloodied waters at the 17th hole.

The incident marked the bloodiest gator-golfer attack in modern sports history.

The Holy Cola

2006-04-28T10:37:00.000-04:00

When I began my boycott of Coca-Cola last week I though that finding a replacement cola would be a relatively straight forward task and that I would be pleasantly re-caffeinated and carbonated in a matter of days. Ten days later I am still without cola, however I believe I may be one step closer to my goal (and to God.)

I originally thought that I would choose Pepsi as Coca-Cola's replacement because it is readily available, only slightly less delicious and without the awful anti-Union practices of Coca-Cola.

This Condom Cola story gave me pause as to whether I should in fact choose Pepsi.

While I realize that Pepsi India is not necessarily the same corporate entity as Pepsi USA, I do not excuse Pepsi USA from pushing an inferior latex-laced product pushed in India. Anyway, I do not believe in contraception in whatever form be it a condom or a can of cola.

After praying many days and nights on this vexing cola question, I asked myself "Alex, what would Jesus drink?" The answer came to me in the form of John 4:14 which states that "whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst."

Consequently, I will now be drinking Jesus Cola full time as it is the most refreshing and thirst-quenching cola man has ever known.

Don't Spank Me. I'm Working....

2006-04-27T18:02:00.000-04:00

Lawyers for a Fresno woman who was spanked in front of her co-workers as part of what her employer said was a camaraderie-building exercise asked a jury Wednesday for at least $1.2 million for the humiliation she claimed to have suffered.

Janet Orlando, 53, quit her job at the home security company Alarm One Inc. in Fresno and sued, alleging discrimination, assault, battery and infliction of emotional distress.

Employees were paddled with rival companies' yard signs as part of a contest that pitted sales teams against each other, according to court documents. The winners poked fun at the losers, throwing pies at them, feeding them baby food, making them wear diapers and swatting their buttocks.

man, this place is a shithole. hahahaha.

2006-04-25T13:40:00.000-04:00

HUNTINGTON, N.Y. (AP) - A 71-year-old man who went outside in the rain to pick up the Sunday newspaper plunged into a cesspool in his front yard, and his son and neighbor were sucked in when they tried to help.

The victims escaped, two with the help of firefighters, covered in raw sewage but not badly hurt...

It's not the first time a cesspool - a pit that collects waste from toilets and sinks - has swallowed someone in Huntington.

In 2001, a man practicing archery in the backyard with his two children died when his cesspool caved in and consumed him. And in 1998, a Huntington Station man was rescued after he fell 65 feet into one.

Absolutely terrifying. And in other falling into things news:

The 23-year-old man came home early Saturday morning and, finding himself locked out and without his keys, tried to enter the single-story house through its chimney.

"He told us he took off his clothes because as he was going down the chimney the clothes would rub up against it and slow him down," Branson said. "If it was skin on cement he felt he would go down easier."

Urbano's effort ended disastrously when a cable-television wire he used to lower himself snapped. He fell and was wedged in a section of the chimney tapering into the home's fireplace.

For the next four hours he cried out for help. A neighbour called police and fire fighters, who dislodged Urbano, Branson said. Officers booked Urbano for being under the influence of drugs, he added.

Please, take care of yourselves, and eachother.

April is B-SAD Awareness Month

2006-04-22T08:18:00.000-04:00

Does this photo make you feel uncomfortable, queasy, or acutely distressed?

Then you may be one of the estimated millions, including myself, affected by Black Socks Aversion Disorder (B-SAD). April is a rough month for those of us living with B-SAD. As tourists and bare legs start to make their first appearances of the season, so do black socks. The most common perpetrators of this phenomenon are old white men. But they could be anywhere. B-SAD is not to be confused with S-TAD, Socks and Tevas Aversion Disorder, which seems to affect the vast majority of the population. Although, I hear socks with sandals is a popular style in Sweden.

And the worst violation of all:

You guessed it, black socks with sandals.

In case you are still confused, take my simple advice: BLACK SOCKS SHOULD ONLY BE WORN WITH BLACK PANTS AND BLACK SHOES.

For an impressively comprehensive gallery of socks-with-sandal fashions, I recommend this site: http://www.sandalandsoxer.co.uk/home.htm

Bad jobs...

2006-04-20T08:32:00.000-04:00

Where do you even start?Happy Thursday.

Cockadoggadoo

2006-04-20T08:27:00.000-04:00

....and the courtship begins

Good morning BlogNAC...

In other news a google image search for "dog bird hybrid" disappointingly yielded zero results.

Do Not Strive to Defecate Like the Elephant...

2006-04-19T20:41:00.000-04:00

I was listening to Boston's WEEI sports radio a few days ago and for some reason the topic of conversation focused on a man who recently died when an elephant shit on him. I'm not exactly sure what this has to do with sports, but it did provide a much-needed respite from the routine debate over the size of Barry Bonds' head. Actually, putting two and two together, I would pay a substantial sum of money to see an elephant defecate on Barry Bonds’ juiced up dome.

I wanted to share the elephant story with the BlogNAC audience, however I had some trouble finding it on the web. As it turns out, while WEEI may provide excellent game day coverage, they seem to have fallen short in the non-sports related news department. The elephant defecation incident actually took place eight years ago in Paderborn, Germany. I found one version of the story on darwinawards.com:

Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.
"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.”It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

In the process of locating this story, I happened upon an insightful Khmer proverb on the topic of elephant defecation. You might even call it the moral of the story:
In case you aren't fluent in Khmer like I am, this translates into:
Seeing the elephant defecate, do not strive to defecate like the elephant.
- Interpretation: Do not strive to do something beyond your capability.

I know its a long time from now, but....

2006-04-18T14:26:00.000-04:00

The Biennial World Beard and Moustache Championships will next be held in Brighton, England on Saturday September 1, 2007...

I will be competing in the partial beard, freestyle competition.

For country, for honor....

Give me that nut...

2006-04-18T14:02:00.000-04:00

(frontside) (backside)

The Coco-de-Mer palm produces the largest seed/nut/whatever in the world. These large seeds/nuts/whatevers may weigh up to 50 pounds.

Forget the Sopranos and Big Love. If you have HBO....

2006-04-18T13:45:00.000-04:00

... I highly recommend Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2.

It has been on a lot lately so I am pretty sure you can find a showing soon.

After NetFlixing many good movies over the past couple months I feel the need to return to my roots and watch some less-than-classic movies. SuperBabies was one of those movies. Like Funky Monkey, which alternatively used a real chimpanzee and an ass-kicking man in a chimp suit, the SuperBabies were played by either real toddlers or stunt midgets on steroids. It was great.

Enjoy.

the four people in this picture look ugly

2006-04-17T15:36:00.000-04:00

I used to like Avril Lavigne so much that she was my computer background for the better part of senior year of college, but now I see her and Duff and those dudes from the badass punk bands who are totally gonna rock their worlds and I just wonder when the girl I loved so dearly got mixed up with these kids, started looking like a bleached rat, lost the tie and broke my heart.

"I'm With You" it still a great song, though.

okay, okay

2006-04-16T08:57:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the light posting lately, people. I am sure we all have reasons. Mine include sickness, laziness, guests, and broken computer. But with the guests and computer pretty much taken care of, a cocktail of Advil Cold + Sinus and Red Bull is just the thing to get me posting again.

I feel like we missed so much. I mean, there's a human-cow hybrid!

To create human lactoferrin-lactating cows, Pharming's scientists introduce human DNA coding for the protein's production into the nuclei of fertilized bovine eggs. The cells that successfully incorporate the foreign DNA or "transgene" are then selected, and each is fused with a second egg cell that has had its nucleus removed. The fused cells are then implanted in a surrogate cow's uterus. If all goes well, the cow becomes pregnant with a transgenic calf that, upon maturity two years later, will produce milk containing human lactoferrin. Despite that one component of its milk, the calf is all bovine—but technically remains an example of the dastardly human-animal hybrid.

Whoo! Science is fucking great. On this Easter Day I think it's important to take a moment to recognize all the unholy things scientists do around the world. I'd also like to put myself on record as volunteering to be part of any human-leopard or human-polar bear hybrid project.

[Editor's note: this portion of the post has been removed due to an overwhelming reader response. Many have called for Noah's release from the BlogNAC staff. After extensive deliberation, the editorial board has chosen not to take this course of action. During the course of our investigation into this incident we discovered that some of Noah's best friends are half-Asian. Additionally, Noah contends that they "love him," so it seemed like termination was unwarranted.]

I got a new computer. It's a Mac. I love it so far. It has a built in camera, though, that seems useless for anything but taking MySpace pictures and cybersex. I am sort of trying to create the archetype of the online social networking photo. How's this?

Courtesy of Colin (who is NOT DEAD, people) here's a lengthy but ultimately rewarding piece about eating steak in Argentina.

Finally, I learned last week (at a Seder, of all places) the Becky's mother HATED our investigation of bacon tempura. In her words, it was "weird, really really weird and gross." So now I offer this recipe for baking a cake using Cadbury's Creme Eggs instead of chicken eggs, brought to my attention by my friend David. This recipe doesn't involve frying, it doesn't involve pork, and maybe it's enough to get Becky's mom to stop telling her friends what a freak show I am. She puts on a great Seder, though.

URGENT!

2006-04-06T23:04:00.000-04:00

Though this story blatantly belongs to Molly and this link comes straight from Defamer, there was no way I was not going to post this picture, a photograph of a sculpture of a baby coming out of Britney Spears' doggy-styled vagina. Cheers.

Bonus picture completely stolen from Defamer: the cyclops kitty.

2006-04-06T10:30:00.000-04:00

Do you remember as a child being told that cockroaches would be the only thing to survive a full-scale nuclear war? In the latest showdown between man's military might and bugs' uncanny ability to survive just about anything we do to try to kill them, the bugs have won again....

A teacher who kept a 40 mm shell on his desk as a paperweight blew off part of his hand when he apparently used the object to try to squash a bug, authorities say. The 5-inch-long shell exploded Monday while Robert Colla was teaching 20 to 25 students at an adult education class.

The bug survived...

and then kicked Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith's asses before taking off in a space shuttle.

Freaky Frankenstein Monkey

2006-04-06T08:51:00.000-04:00

Look at this golden monkey's strawberry tongue and Michael Jackson's nose (or lack thereof)...

BlogNAC remembers...

2006-04-05T08:19:00.000-04:00

Becky's glasses with a missing lense replaced by a bottle cap and the frame held together by copious amounts of electrical tape.

Hamburglary....

2006-04-04T17:38:00.000-04:00

Four burgers at his neighborhood Burger King cost George Beane a whopping $4,334.33.

Beane ordered two Whopper Jr.s and two Rodeo cheeseburgers when he pulled up to the drive-through window last Tuesday. The cashier, however, forgot that she'd entered the $4.33 charge on his debit card and punched in the numbers again without erasing the original ones — thus creating a four-figure bill.

"Those were the most expensive value burgers in history," Pat Beane said.

The electronic charge went through to George and Pat Beane's Bank of America checking account and left the couple penniless. Their mortgage payment was due and they worried checks they had written would bounce, Pat Beane said.

Terri Woody, the restaurant manager, said Burger King officials tried to get the charge refunded. But the bank said the funds were on a three-day hold and could not be released, Pat Beane said.

Burger King did not charge the Beanes for their meal, and the couple got their $4,334.33 back on Friday.

BlogNAC joke rescinded: I was about to make a bad joke about Heidi Klum and McDonald's Special Sauce, but I think I'll refrain.

my apologies

2006-04-04T12:58:00.000-04:00

Dear loyal BlogNAC readers,

I am writing to express my deepest apologies for leaving you without saying goodbye. It wasn't about you. I like you more than words can express. This was about me and my journey of self-discovery. I had to clear my head, get my life together, and prioritize.

As you can see from the above picture, my time in Las Vegas was spent gazing over the city's humbling vistas and contemplating issues of great importance. I spoke to a lovely Las Vegas native named Penny (her dress was made of gold, or at least it looked that way) about her plans to change the world. She said she'd have to know me for 24 hours before revealing details, so I can't tell you exactly what her plans were, but her passion was evident to everyone who met her. Her beliefs were so strong, in fact, that she felt the need to reveal them in a three-part text message manifesto to my friend ~~Josh~~ Dempsey French before meeting again. Viva la revolucion!

The wonderful thing about Vegas is that an entire world of experience is contained within the magical 2.5 miles known as "The Strip." Men of an earlier era would have had to travel the world to see what I have seen in the last week: the canals of Venice, the Eiffel Tower, the Manhattan skyline, Aladdin's lamp, King Arthur's court. I feel as though I gained a lifetime of wisdom, and so I return to you refreshed and recommitted to the BlogNAC mission. Like Penny, I am not comfortable sharing this mission before getting to know you better, but rest assured that you are all a part of it. Every ideologue needs his followers.

My turning point came on my final night in Las Vegas, when a few fellow travelers and I decided to challenge eachother to greatness. Who, we asked, could procure a new pair of socks the fastest? This was at about 3am, so there were no socks readily available. Undeterred, we began in earnest, with most competitors frantically making calls. I, on the other hand, chose to dip into Las Vegas's vast human resources and asked a man (to be fair, he was more than a man, he was a demi-god, a bouncer) what he would do in my situation. He pointed me towards a 24-hour CVS and off I went. Later I was reminded that leaving the bar was forbidden by the competition rules, but no matter. I had socks! Like Raskolnikov, I was above the law, and man's rules no longer applied to me.

I am back.

noah

April is ....

2006-04-04T08:24:00.000-04:00

Monkey Abuse Awareness Month at BlogNAC....

Wanna see something GROSS?

2006-03-31T11:58:00.000-05:00

Do you?

Are you sure?

I mean, really sure?

My mother in law's leg, ladies and gentlemen:

Today she is finally getting this monstrosity off her ankle. Yes, those are actual rods going through her flesh and out the other side. She can't have a real cast because she's diabetic AND has kidney failure... all kinds of complications, etc. She got this on right after Lyric was born. She broke her ankle from walking too much when my father in law was in the hospital getting his gall bladder out, and when I was giving birth. She had previously broken her foot and was wearing an air cast. Of course, she still won't be able to walk, since she's been sitting in a bed for the past four months.

Pretty fucking gross.

Ok, I can't leave you like that, so CUTENESS!

Lyric got to enjoy her first real significant outside adventure yesterday as we walked around the yard for about a half hour.

She slept great last night. We'll be doing that again today.

The Gay Adoption Debate...

2006-03-31T11:54:00.000-05:00

.... kennel owner won't sell puppy to lesbian

A Swedish court has imposed a 20,000 kronor ($2,600) fine on a woman kennel owner who refused to sell a puppy to a lesbian.

The kennel owner, who was not identified, had initially been willing to sell the woman a puppy but changed her mind when she found out the woman was living with a lesbian partner, according to Sweden's discrimination ombudsman, a government watchdog who filed the lawsuit.

The Nacka District Court outside Stockholm issued the ruling on Thursday, the ombudsman's office said.

"This is an important verdict," said Hans Ytterberg, who heads the ombudsman's office. "It is important that these incidents are tried in court."

BTW: Meet my new puppy, Chowder

Weddings of Mass Destruction

2006-03-31T11:30:00.000-05:00

The Gay Rights Movement was dealt a major blow yesterday when Massachusetts' highest court ruled that same-sex couples from states where gay marriage is prohibited cannot tie the knot in Massachusetts. This was a significant victory for our esteemed governor, Mitt "I can't wait to get out of Massachusetts" Romney, who for years now has been prophesizing the state's impending status as "The Las Vegas of Gay Marriage." According to Romney, "It's important that other states have the right to make their own determination of marriage and not follow the wrong course that our Supreme Judicial Court put us on." I find the idea of "The Las Vegas of Gay Marriage" to be rather appealing, even utopian: Gambling, Elvis impersonaters, street-drinking, Donny Osmond, the Red Sox, and equal rights...What more could you ask for? For now, however, we'll have to accept the fact that "Whatever happens in Massachusetts, stays in Massachusetts."

2006-03-31T10:53:00.000-05:00

Pink News UK is reporting that Britain's only gay flamingos Carlos and Fernando, are celebrating their fifth anniversary together with their adopted children at Slimbridge Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust in Gloucestershire.

The pair surprised staff at the wildlife park after they came out five years ago and began to engage in a series of complex mating rituals. The pink birds have been inseparable ever since and have even raised chicks together after they stole eggs from neighbouring straight couples.

BlogNAC congratulates the happy couple and wishes them and their stolen chicks all the best.

C'mon N Ride It (The Train)

2006-03-31T10:22:00.000-05:00

Come on, ride the train, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, woo woo, hey
Ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train
Woo woo, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train
It's the choo choo, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, it's the choo choo train
Come on, ride the train, it's the choo choo
Ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, it's the choo choo train

"Don't Feed the Bangaroos"

2006-03-31T10:03:00.000-05:00

Another celebrity looks like the Princess Bride torturer

2006-03-30T15:56:00.000-05:00

Kimberly Stewart...
Princess Bride torturer....