want to live in the box? cost you two bucks a day.

Americans are storing a whole lot of shit, and it's not entirely clear why. I suspect it has to do with gay marriage. But storage lockers give me nightmares and I wish we'd stop building them.

holy shit holy shit

holy shit. holy shit. holy shit.

p.s. -- Michael Bay is trash.

[via goldenfiddle]

UPDATED... and if you wanted to play depressed you could just open the release valve

When my short-lived production company (we almost had a PCIP intern) was casting its first movie, one of the key elements was to bring Christopher Walken in as an AeroBed. We'd seen some of his earlier performances and thought he might be able to bring something special to the portrayal of an incredibly-expressive-yet-not-alive inflatable bed. We were going to have monkeys playing people, so we were a little worried that he would have a problem lying there while the monkeys fucked on his back, but we thought his agent could talk him into it.

Sadly, due to creative differences among the producers and a decision to devote more time to Sharkpants, the movie never got made. But now Walken has gone public with his desire to play non-human roles and I think the whole "Cooler than Conor Productions" team is really kicking itself. Here's Walken talking about what it would be like to be a cat actor:

"If I was an actor and I had to play scared in a movie all I'd have to do is bush my tail. I think that if actors had tails it would change everything."

Christoper Walken, you are my crazy hair-pulling hero.

[via goldenfiddle]

UPDATES: Walken has talked about having a tail before. His tail desire is an ongoing thing, and he'd rather have a tail than be able to fly. And in the Washington Post, Walken reveals that he actually has tail-acting experience!

"I made another musical that's obscure, but it's also a very good movie, called 'Puss in Boots.' It was the children's story, and I played the cat," he says. "It's one of my better roles. It's out on video." If you can find "Puss in Boots" at your local video store, you'll be treated to the spectacle of Walken licking his whiskers, wagging his tail, answering to "Puss" and, naturally, dancing on a table, which has become a signature move.

where the ice cream went

When I came back to LA for the summer I was pretty upset to discover that Massimo's was gone. For those of you who don't know, Massimo's makes the best gelato ever. I mean, I can't compare it to Italian stuff since I have never had it, but I would imagine that Massimo's is better. I was especially annoyed to make this discovery because I came across Massimo's empty space after a boozey lunch on a hot day in Venice and really wanted ice cream. Anyway, I guess there is another Massimo's in Culver City (13222 Washington Blvd., Culver City, (310) 823-8381), and they are looking for a new space to open another shop. So all is not lost.

From Eating LA:

the co-owner told me she is looking for another location to open a new ice cream parlor since they lost their lease on Abbot Kinney.

Bonus: read Eating LA's roundup of the best ice cream in town. I agree with the Mashti Malone tasters who say the ice cream does taste a little bit like nice hotel soap, but I think it does so in a good way.

a shark will eat you

Here's an MSN quiz about shark attacks that I think it would behoove all our readers to take. Having touble? Hint: you will die of a shark attack soon.

resourceful!

Tom Cruise is already lining up his next creepy underage relationship. He bought Dakota Fanning a cell phone for her 11th birthday, against her mother's wishes.

She says, "Tom gave me a cell phone, so that was really cool. My mom and dad wouldn't let me have a cell phone but Tom got me one for my birthday!

"It's really funny, 'cause on my cell phone I pretend that I'm on the phone when I'm not and I'll pretend that I have messages when I'm just out on the street."

Awww, Dakota! You really don't have anyone to talk to? Is it because Cruise's gift is entirely age-inappropriate and none of your peers have mobiles? Or has he already dispatched a Scientology squad to 'cleanse' your life of outsiders and non-believers? But, anyway, I also pretend to talk on my phone in public, especially if I am eating alone and I act out this whole scene where I get in a fight with the person who is supposed to meet me and I'm all like "Scarlett, you cunt, if you can't be here on time then don't be here at all. Mary-Kate was never late." That way the people around me don't think I am weird for eating alone. So I guess what I am saying is that you should totally give me a call next time you're wandering in public with nobody to talk to on the cruisephone.

[via pink is the new blog]

more google personality profiles

Karl Rove is like:

Coming up later today: How Karl Rove is like a prison bitch and how George Bush is like a dalmatian.

Unless you mean it in the sense that Karl Rove is like the crotch of the current presidency and that crotch is, necessarily, diminutive, at least based on all the penis-enhancing actions the admin has undertaken.

Karl Rove is like the proverbial Dutch boy, with his finger in all the dikes, all the cracks in the dike.

for Democrats to complain about being robbed by KARL ROVE is like the James gang crying that the cops are on the take.

What I want to talk about is how Karl Rove is like the fat kid in 5th grade that I used to ritually wedgie, pants and swirlie in the most spectacular and public manner possible.

Karl Rove is like a slinky... not really good for anything but he can still bring a smile to your face if your push him down a flight of stairs.

Election season for Karl Rove is like wintertime for squirrels.

Karl Rove is like Bush-lite. This guy sleeps in Bush the lesser’s underwear.

Karl Rove is like Osama: over-hyped and over-rated.

Karl Rove is like a malignant melanoma.


Previous installments: Adolf Hitler, President Bush

yes i love her twice as much as you

The Onion evaluates the merits of songs about specific celebrities.

On "Steve McQueen" by the Drive-By Truckers:

Representative lyric: "I really loved The Getaway back when I was eight / That pussy Alec Baldwin sucked in the remake / And speaking of pussy, I guess Steve got it all / He fucked Faye Dunaway and he fucked Ali McGraw."

Does it portray the subject accurately? The nationwide poll to determine whether McQueen is indeed "the coolest doggone motherscratcher on the silver screen" is still being conducted, but exit polls imply this song does accurately sum up the actor's manly chic. Besides, the Getaway remake definitely sucked.

This sort of got me thinking. If Sharkpants (my band) were to start writing songs about celebrities, who would they be? A preliminary list:

Michelle Pfeiffer
Why? Hot

Catherine Deneuve
Why? Belle de Jour

Robert Lowell
Why? In the words of a doctor friend of mine:

he had tons of affairs with his good looking students (who he'd then write poems about, then realize the poem would only be good if he edited out the lovesick parts where he moped about undergraduates. hence "waking in the blue," one of his best poems.)

he's the only poet of his generation who didn't kill himself, which was quite an accomplishment. instead he died in a taxicab after leaving his third wife and on his way to return to his second.

David Byrne
Why? Obviously

Frank Lloyd Wright
Why? Fascinated by this pop-up book.

More to come. Onion story via lhb.

the power of prayer

First Colin comes back to the blog, and now this. Pretty soon the Libertines are going to reunite, Rob Thomas will get back together with Tom Cruise, Israelis and Palistinians will engage in a huge circle jerk throughout the Gaza strip, and Mariah Carey will apologize to the terrorists for blaming her massive failure on them.

[note: this post may be misleading, Paris and Nicole aren't actually friends again.]

[at least one of those links, maybe more, via stereogum]

whatever, everyone's like a rock star in lebanon

In the spirit of Colin's last post, I decided to do a Google search for the phrase "president bush is like". Here are the first 20 results:

Betting Against President Bush is Like Betting Against the Patriots

President Bush is like Henry the Fourth who gave up his youthfully profligate ways and has assumed well the leadership of his nation in a time of war.

President Bush is like Grant

President Bush is like Adolf Hitler

GOP Congressman “Claims a Vote Against the Re-election of President Bush is Like Supporting Adolph Hitler During World War Two

In effect, the relationship between the calculating empire-seeker Cheney, and President Bush, is like that of an adult inducing a child, or another person lacking the mental and moral qualifications for assuming adult responsibility, to act in an irresponsible manner, by utilizing that child's mental and moral defects as if they were puppet strings.

Republican Congressman Tom Cole claims a vote against the re-election of PresidentBush is like supporting Adolph Hitler during World War Two

President Bush is like a little kid playing war with an animated PC video game and is handling our economy like he is sitting on the back porch playing monopoly with the neighborhood kids.

Republican Congressman Tom Cole claims a vote against the ‘re-election’ ofPresident Bush is like supporting Adolph Hitler during World War Two

President Bush is like a fine wine, better with age

President Bush is like a financial adviser who tells you that at the rate you're going, you won't be able to afford retirement - but that you shouldn't do anything mundane like trying to save more.

Republican Congressman Tom Cole claims a vote against the 're-election' ofPresident Bush is like supporting Adolph Hitler during World War Two

"Man, President Bush is like a retarded ventilator clearing up the smoke-filledrooms of a thousand nondescript white men,"

Expanding on the budget issue, another way he is like President Bush is, like you said, running large deficits--

President Bush is like so, totally right on!

"Republican Congressman Tom Cole claims a vote against the ‘re-election’ ofPresident Bush is like supporting Adolph Hitler during World War Two,”

President Bush is, like it or not, much closer to the middle on values issuesthan Open Center or People for the American Way.

He said in Lebanon President Bush is like a rock star.

Protesting against President Bush is like Tim Hortons employees picketing the police station.

When it comes to budget deficits, President Bush is like a husband who gamblesaway the grocery money and then blames his wife for serving leftovers.

hello mr. narwhal

It just makes me happy that this creature exists.

In unrelated news: When can you show a penis on British TV? Hint: it has to do with geography.

pee wee's big adventure scared me to death

I was pretty ready to make a joke about this, because even though I really like Paul Reubens it seems pretty bizarre that he gets his own day. But the organizers have really stolen my thunder, anticipating all possible attacks and integrating them into the day's festivities. That's why the Paul Reubens' Day Pornographic After Party will have a contest for "Biggest Spooge Monger" and a "Spooge Cannon". I guess this is the kind of "sly adult humor" that the event's organizers, the "Drunken Redheaded Sluts," refer to in the press release.

[via largehearted boy]

sharkblogging way better than i ever could

This is without a doubt my new favorite blog. It's hard to pick out what I like the most, but the very frank "Myth vs. Fact" post is certainly a front runner:

MYTH: Sharks have poor vision and rely on other senses.
FACT: Sharks' eyes, which are equipped to distinguish colors, employ a lens up to seven times as powerful as a human's, and some shark species can detect a light that is as much as ten times dimmer than the dimmest light the average person can see.

MYTH: Sharks must roll over on their sides to bite.
FACT: Sharks can attack from whatever direction they please. They have a unique jaw design that allows them to protrude their jaw beyond their snouts, so they can even latch on to something directly in front of them.

Via the awesome sharkblog, here's a story about some new jellyfish-like creatures that can make red light, which is totally a big deal.

what ever happened to dominique "lolita" swain?

answer here

the mushroom kingdom

Morton Koopa, Jr., one of Bowser's seven children

Think back to the first time you played a Mario game. Remember stomping your first Goomba? Remember being amazed when Mario touched that Mushroom and grew bigger? Remember miscalculating your jump and falling down that pit? Er, well... remember how much fun you had while playing? This site's goal is to bring you accurate, in-depth coverage about every Mario game, without ruining the fun of them.

The site has a staff of six and, in case you were wondering:

Currently, TMK is not hiring. If we want help with a certain section, we will ask you. (Don't call us, we'll call you. ;-)

i am also feeling chirpy today

Scientists have discovered a new kind of lobster in Australian waters. It's the size of a rabbit, has a shell like felt, and makes cricket noises. Sounds sort of creepy, right?

Technically, this is not the first time a lobster like this has been found. French scientists found one in the 80's but, in fitting with the unrestrained decadence and grossness of that decade, they ate it. Seriously.

Good headline, too: "Musical Furry Lobster Feeling Chirpy"

early halloween costume ideas

Jacques Cousteau's grandson dresses up like a great white, hopes they feel bad enough for him to let him tag along for a while:

“My hope,” Cousteau quips, “is that they think, ’Hey, that looks strangely like my retarded cousin from Australia!’ ”

sorry everyone!

The LA Times explains better than I ever could why I've been away from the blog lately. But I think I've got that monkey kicked.

Developing.

i swore to myself i would never say 'roundup'

Prof. Peter Rubin at ACS blog on why we should care

Slate on potential nominees

Randy Barnett at Volokh tries to add some nuance to the Slate discussion

People for the American Way on what's at stake

TalkLeft endorses Ed Prado, has Move-On PAC ad, Senator Reid statement, Senator Feingold statement

SCOTUSblog on how this affects the allegedly impending Rehquist retirement

Supreme Court Nomination blog lists some of SOC's most important swing votes

David Sirota writing at HuffPost about corporate America's boner for the new opening (hehe) and on his own blog about a possible Rove strategy

Bench Memos has too much good stuff to choose, probably the best continuing coverage of this thing so far

And here's a conservative blog on all of this, I can't tell if their spelling of SOC's name as "O'Conner" is stupidity or nastiness, but conservatives sure are good at wordplay.

MSNBC on the process of nomination, though most of you will be familiar with the white smoke/black smoke method from the recent papal appointment

oh holy shit

Sandra Day O'Connor retires

Update: Bill Frist gives a speech, says SOC has a sign in her office that reads "Cowgirl parking only."

Update: WaPo talks about SOC's career and mentions possible nominees.