It all started a few months ago when I started hearing noises in my ceiling. They were animal noises, tiny footsteps, too loud to be caused by mice and too soft to be caused by raccoons. Rats are absolutely not an option, despite my roommates' claims to the contrary, so squirrels (Note: You must click on this link) are the most likely perpetrators. At first, I was at peace living amongst the squirrels, they gave me a sense that I was not alone. Then they started to evolve in their new habitat. The soft pitter patter of their feet transformed into a mysterious metal on metal sound--maybe they were going through an industrial revolution, or maybe they were building a space station, I don't know. Then, a few weeks ago, they took over one of my two closets. Now, in order to enter the closet, I must hold my roommates's cat at bay, just in case.
This made me mad. I decided that the squirrels were no longer my friends and I decided to take action. After several calls to be estranged landlady, I asked my roommate, David, about the possibility of withholding rent. David basically runs the show (pyramid scheme) around my apartment. I also asked him if we could attach a statement of condition to the security deposit.
As it turns out, the landlady doesn't have my security deposit, nor is she holding on to my last month's rent. Really, she doesn't even know that I live in the apartment. I'm basically a squatter. Both sums, as well as those from my other four roommates, have been in David's bank account this entire time. The total amount of money should equal $5000.00. David, however,
quickly corrected me, affirming that the actual amount of money in his "special apartment bank account" is$2500.00. The other $2500, according to David, is a "hypothetical sum of money." When I moved in, my $500 security deposit went to the girl whose room I moved into. According to David this is due to a "grandfather clause." He is a complete idiot.
Bottom line: I am a helpless victim of a ruthless pyramid scheme, squatting in an apartment, living at the mercy of a wild pack of space-age squirrels.
Noah, help me!
Side note: to find where you stand in a given pyramid scheme, I recommend this pyramid scheme calculator
1 comment:
WHAT?!?! ahahahaaha!! but really this isnt funny. rodents in closest and possibly jumping out and attacking the faces of people i love is not an option. move here now. there's a room that can be just for you. and i promise you will be included at the first level of any future pyramid schemes. in fact, since we're both underemployed, this might be a great plan. and i must say, as a loyal reader, that i think becky needs no further interviewing. this one incredible post should prove her worth and promote her to full time blogger.
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