3.31.2006

Wanna see something GROSS?

Do you?











Are you sure?









I mean, really sure?











My mother in law's leg, ladies and gentlemen:

Image hosting by Photobucket

Image hosting by Photobucket

Today she is finally getting this monstrosity off her ankle. Yes, those are actual rods going through her flesh and out the other side. She can't have a real cast because she's diabetic AND has kidney failure... all kinds of complications, etc. She got this on right after Lyric was born. She broke her ankle from walking too much when my father in law was in the hospital getting his gall bladder out, and when I was giving birth. She had previously broken her foot and was wearing an air cast. Of course, she still won't be able to walk, since she's been sitting in a bed for the past four months.

Pretty fucking gross.

Ok, I can't leave you like that, so CUTENESS!

Image hosting by Photobucket

Lyric got to enjoy her first real significant outside adventure yesterday as we walked around the yard for about a half hour.

Image hosting by Photobucket

She slept great last night. We'll be doing that again today.

The Gay Adoption Debate...

.... kennel owner won't sell puppy to lesbian

A Swedish court has imposed a 20,000 kronor ($2,600) fine on a woman kennel owner who refused to sell a puppy to a lesbian.

The kennel owner, who was not identified, had initially been willing to sell the woman a puppy but changed her mind when she found out the woman was living with a lesbian partner, according to Sweden's discrimination ombudsman, a government watchdog who filed the lawsuit.

The Nacka District Court outside Stockholm issued the ruling on Thursday, the ombudsman's office said.

"This is an important verdict," said Hans Ytterberg, who heads the ombudsman's office. "It is important that these incidents are tried in court."

BTW: Meet my new puppy, Chowder


Pink News UK is reporting that Britain's only gay flamingos Carlos and Fernando, are celebrating their fifth anniversary together with their adopted children at Slimbridge Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust in Gloucestershire.

The pair surprised staff at the wildlife park after they came out five years ago and began to engage in a series of complex mating rituals. The pink birds have been inseparable ever since and have even raised chicks together after they stole eggs from neighbouring straight couples.

BlogNAC congratulates the happy couple and wishes them and their stolen chicks all the best.

C'mon N Ride It (The Train)


Come on, ride the train, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, woo woo, hey
Ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train
Woo woo, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train
It's the choo choo, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, it's the choo choo train
Come on, ride the train, it's the choo choo
Ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, it's the choo choo train

3.30.2006

Another celebrity looks like the Princess Bride torturer

Kimberly Stewart...
Princess Bride torturer....

Tara Reid looks like Bosnia...

I remember co-blogger Noah once telling me that of all the celebrities in Los Angeles that he thought Tara Reid was the one he could most easily pick-up at a bar. That was when Tara was a drunk, but a cutish one. Now there is no doubt in my mind that Noah could pick-up Tara Reid. He might not want to, but he could.

Go Noah.

3.22.2006

why couldn't the croc have gotten that irwin guy?


If this doctor had just been eaten by a giant crocodile while doing humanitarian work in Botsawana this would be a pretty sad story. But what makes the whole thing absolutely terrifying is that the crocodile jumped out of the water and snatched Dr. Root from his canoe. I have a lot of trouble picturing how that happened, but I don't like the fact that animals seem to be picking up new tactics. No longer content to grab you by the head, go into a death roll and then drown you, crocodiles have now learned how to JUMP OUT OF THE WATER TO KILL YOU. It's just not right.

3.21.2006

scary picture of the day/week/month/year

353 pound Huang Jiaxin is treated for his obesity at the Aimin Slimming Centre in Wuhan, China.

And you thought they only built them like this in America...

Meet the Houston Comets new center...

China's other Yao: The tallest woman in Asia, Yao Defen, and a friend chat outside Yao's home in Shu Cha, Anhui province. Yao, 34, is 7-foot-9, about four inches taller than China's better-known Yao -- Houston Rockets center Yao Ming.


3.20.2006

retarded mogul beauty tips

On the birth of his 5th child, the Donald finally reveals the secret to his youthful vitality that the public has long been clamoring for. "I continue to stay young, right? I produce children, I stay young," Trump said. Yup, that's right. Sneaking your sperm into some young model's vagina after she only married you because you swore again and again your were infertile and she wouldn't have to bear another unholy Trumplet keeps the Donald young enough to hit on his own kids.

3.17.2006

project cooking things, episode 2


This show sort of blows, but I think I have emotionally committed to watching it, so here goes.

Top Chef started off on a sad note this week as we learned that Cynthia's dad has cancer. Clearly this is going to come out at the judging table in some way or another. I'm just going to jump ahead and ruin the ending for you: Cynthia says to the camera that she refuses to talk about her father's illness at the judging table as it's not fair to the other contestants. Instead she just starts crying and says "It's amazing that I am still able to be here" or something along those lines. The lesbian pastry chef guest judge (she and Tiffani were featured in an article together about queer women in the kitchen, I wish I could find it) totally rolls her eyes but she doesn't get kicked off, which makes me happy, she's still my favorite and the crying kind of makes her the new Andrae.

So blah blah, this week's quickfire challenge is to make a fruit plate. It was really boring and everyone pretty much sucked, Stephen was the pretty clear winner. He had lots of little espresso cups filled with fruits and herbs and things. I have no idea how it tasted, but it looked good. I still hate this stupid fucker, but he seems like he sort of knows what he's doing. I'm not sure who he's like on Project Runway, maybe Daniel V at the end when he became an annoying little twat. Can you say twat?

So the big challenge this week was to make desserts for a party at a fetish store. The fetish lady shows up and, according to Tiffani, she's just "killin' it in a latex dress" but I don't notice because I cannot for the life of me take my eyes off her mini hat. I mean, it's just so small and sideways and wonderful and wonderfully reminiscent of Damon Wayans' In Living Color wardrobe. I'm not sure what a mini hat fetish is called, but I have one and I am going to find willing partners on Craigslist and become accepted in the mini hat community and if my lifestyle scares you then maybe you're just scared of yourself.



For a challenge about sexy desserts that took place in a fetish shop, the whole thing was decidedly unsexy. Probably the most entertaining part was when Dave said he was just going to make a whole bunch of hair pies and Miguel was annoyed because he didn't get it and kept asking what a hair pie was. Then Miguel took off all his clothes and there were many, many comments made about how he's not attractive. If we're going to pick on people for being ugly I'd really prefer to talk about Tiffani who managed to look even worse than usual by dressing up like a pseudo-goth, wrapping some weird thing around her neck, and, you know, being horrible. And her food was shitty, so she sucks and let's kick her off already.


The rest of the show was stupid, it was full of bad sex jokes and puns that weren't even close to funny, and I almost always find sex jokes funny. Dave said something about using frosting to make a "hard nip," I don't really know, the whole thing was atrocious. Miguel won with his "total orgasm" dessert and Andrea gets kicked off, which seems fair since her only goal seemed to be to make food that would make you shit. I'm not making this up, people, she said that's her special power. To make you shit.

Oh yeah, RuPaul showed up at some point and, according to Tiffani, she's "one tall bitch."

Bacon Tat

3.13.2006

This is how Mexico counters sexual harassment in the workplace...

Macho Mexico is combating sexual harassment in the workplace with a TV and poster campaign featuring inflatable sex dolls dressed as female execs.

3.09.2006

the last crusade


"The market forces that exist today make it unrealistic to spend $200 million on a cure," said Lucas, a near-billionaire from his feverishly franchised outer-space epics. "Those movies can't make their money back anymore. Look at what happened with SARS."

project cooking things


While I was thrilled to see Chloe's win, where the fuck did this "boyfriend" come from? Did he just hop on board when she got into the final three? I've been on her side since day one. Asshole.

Top Chef has been annointed by Bravo and Heidi Klum ("What else are you going to watch?") as the successor to Project Runway. So obviously when the finale ended and my guests left I continuted to drink, alone, and watched to see what would happen to my Wednesday nights with no more Tim Gunn.

First impressions -- Katie Lee Joel is cute and all, but no Heidi. Maybe she needs to get knocked up, though that would mean carrying Billy Joel's child, which is a frightening thought. What's with these hostesses and their lame singer husbands? Also, why is Billy Joel so famous? I can only name maybe like two of his songs. But I know that he's a drunk, that he gets in car crashes, and that he dated Christie Brinkley.

Ken(my pick for the final 3) got booted from the first challenge for tasting one of the sauces with his finger. Well that's just bullshit. I worked in a very nice restaurant kitchen, and I can tell you that no plate of food made it to a table without being manhandled by at least 3 people. And nobody wears gloves, ever. Yum. I liked when he talked back to stupid Hubert Keller and asked if he actually threw out the sauce, which I bet he didn't. This guy's a badass, I am glad I picked him, he's the new Santino.

Tiffani and Lee Anne form an early coalition as two unattractive but skilled ass-kissing bitches. They both do well in the first challenge, they both jump right onto the Ken-trashing bandwagon, and they both look really severe in their confessional interviews. I'm still hoping Tiffani will be the first one off, but maybe she's going to stick around for a while. I suspect that she's the new Santino. Lee Anne will be around for at least one more episode, as she wins the first mini-challenge, which gives her immunity.

Andrea, the annoying health food chef, says that she brings to the table a unique ability to "move your bowels with vegetables." I wonder if she stole this shtick from the dude on Real World London who wanted to move my bowels with song.

Stephen is an annoying idiot freak who said that he made "seared lamb to the fourth power." That makes no sense. Maybe he could have said "seared lamb times four" or something. But just searing something repeatedly doesn't make the amount of searing increase exponentially. Seems Santino-esque to me.

Cythia was my pick to win this thing before the show started. I have a few regrets about that. She is crazier, drunker, and more ridiculous than I could have ever imagined. She does swear a lot, which I like, but I worry she's the new Guadalupe. She called her meal "crazy rice" because it had black and brown shit in it. Her words.

Candice is a model, her food looks alright, but Hubert Keller dismisses it by saying "This isn't a housewife competition."

Harold ends up winning the big challenge with a pretty lame-looking steamed fish dish (recipe here). It's much more like a 30-minute meal than a restaurant dish and it's pretty unclear to me how it won. And therein lies the problem with Top Chef. On Runway, you could see pretty much everything the judges saw. Subject to editing, you were judging the same things they were. On Top Chef, you obviously can't taste to food, so you can only see what looks good. Shit that's overcooked or poorly seasoned can still look great, so the viewer is not at all on the same page as the judges. I think that's gonna reduce the appeal a lot.

Ken gets sent home, and there goes the first of my absolutely terrible picks for the final 3.

Verdict: I'll keep watching, for now, but I certainly don't love it. Also, there's no Tim Gunn character. Why can't he do this show, too?

3.08.2006

you're in biiiiiiiig trouble, mister. because baconitis is a terrible disease.

The fat Olsen has has made her support for Baconitis sufferers public, why can't you?

3.07.2006

trump's woman has bigger things to worry about, like the forthcoming trumplet


"The first time I ever had a mouthful of carbonara, it was almost frightening because we knew our erotic interest in each other could take over every other thing," Star writes breathlessly. "We had an intoxicatingly sexual connection the first two months of our relationship." [...]


"It wasn't an easy decision," recalls Star. "Carbonara is a beautiful pasta. It fills me up like I've never been filled before." [...]

"One day, I would read in the press that I'd quit the pork," Star writes. "The next day, I'd read a story saying I'd had a bacon-fat jacuzzi custom built. I remember my husband saying to me, 'Baby, what are you today?' And me answering, 'Just who I was yesterday, baby.'"

celebs join the cause


Anderson Cooper on Baconitis: "For the last four days, I've been seeing people freebasing pancetta in the streets here in Mississippi. And to listen to politicians thanking each other and complimenting each other, you know, I got to tell you, there are a lot of people here who are very upset, and very angry, and very frustrated. And when they hear politicians slap—you know, thanking one another, it just, you know, it kind of cuts them the wrong way right now, because literally there was a body on the streets of this town yesterday being eaten by other people because this woman had been wrapped in bacon and stuck through with a giant toothpick. And there's not enough facilities to take her up. Do you get the anger that is out here?"

"and the window dressings symbolize staying the course"


President Bush's Oval Office rug symbolizes an optimism not shared by the American people:
"You know an interesting story about the rug?" he asked. "Laura designed the rug."

"She did?" Vargas said.

"Yeah, she did. Presidents are able to pick their own rugs or design their own rugs."

Bush went on: "The interesting thing about this rug and why I like it in here is 'cause I told Laura one thing. I said, 'Look, I can't pick the colors and all that. But make it say 'optimistic person.' "
That's nice and all, but I'd like that rug to be even more symbolic of our president's virtues.
Some visitors have the impression that the rug story is revealing. In his new book, "Rebel-in-Chief," Fred Barnes recounts how Bush told him about the carpet: "His job, he told me, is to 'stay out of minutiae, keep the big picture in mind, but also make sure that I know enough about what's going on to get the best information possible.' To stress the point, during our interview in the Oval Office Bush called my attention to the rug."

Barnes notes that Bush delegated to the first lady. "Typical of his governing style, though, he gave a clear principle as guidance: he wanted the rug to express the view that an 'optimistic person comes here,' " Barnes reports. "The rug she designed is sunshine yellow."
Hmm, it sounds like Bush is a little obsessed with this rug. Weird. Whatever, though, I am sure the White House will deny anything strange is going on here.
"He loves his rug," said Nicolle Wallace, the White House communications director. "I've heard him describe it countless times."
Oh. Awesome.

Until there's a cure...

Baconitis is a chronic and debilitating condition that affects a large number of bacon lovers. Baconitis is characterized by a severe and acute hungering for bacon in whatever form it may be procured, ranging from bacon in its most pure form to a midday BLT to an elaborate bacon based meal such as an carbonara. I know about Baconitis because I suffer from it. That is why, with Blognac's support, I founded Americans for the Relief of Baconitis, an organization dedicated to providing bacon to those most in need.
Please join me today, March 7th 2006, on the first ever Baconitis Awareness Day and show your support for Bacon lovers and Baconitis sufferers by wearing one of our organization's deep-fried bacon ribbons.

the family that walks on all fours



I'm not really sure what else there is to say.
An extraordinary family who walk on all fours are being hailed as the breakthrough discovery which could shed light on the moment Man first stood upright.

Scientists believe that the five brothers and sisters found in Turkey could hold unique insights into human evolution.

The Kurdish siblings, aged between 18 and 34 and from the rural south, 'bear crawl' on their feet and palms.

my little sister ate a cockroach once

For our well-heeled and adventurous readers, there's an eBay auction going on that you might be interested in. For the first time in it's 102-year history, the Explorer's Club is making tickets to its famous dinner available to the public:
The Explorers Club Annual Dinner—the oldest, continuously-held fundraising dinner in New York City—will begin with a cocktail hour featuring exotic hors d'oeuvres such as honey-glazed scorpions, elk stroganoff, tempura tarantula and other unusual foods.
I know from experience that tempura anything is quite good, so I wouldn't worry about the tarantula. What I would worry about, though, is that you're actually being served the exotic foods on the menu. If you'll recall 1990's The Freshman, starring a fresh-faced Matthew Broderick and a less-than-fresh Marlon Brando, you know what I mean. Broderick had to get a Komodo Dragon to an Explorer's-like dinner but, in the end, they were served chicken or some shit. Don't let that happen to you, loyal readers. You need to be right there watching when your scorpion gets glazed. Hot.

Heidi is so hot right now.

Daniel Franco was speaking on behalf of billions of men when he declared his love for the beautiful Heidi Klum on the Project Runway 2 Reunion.

On Sunday night at the Oscars Heidi did not disappoint. More photos here.

3.06.2006

The Mystery Blogger Revealed

So umm... I'm not sure how this happened. But it makes for interesting conversation.

Noah, thanks for saying Lyric (my daughter) is adorable. She is pretty cute, if I do say so myself.

I'm no mystery. All you have to do is read my blog and you'll know all about me. However, how I turned up here is still a mystery. Can I post to your blog? I'm about to find out.

I don't know what I love more, American Idol or bacon. It's a tight race.

the player

Robert Altman, Hollywood legend and last night's honorary Oscar winner for lifetime achievement in directing, politely disagrees with Three 6 Mafia: for Altman, it's pretty easy out there.



Altman touching Lohan on the set of A Prairie Home Companion, via Stereogum ages ago.

Hot Schlong...

Beijing diners gladly pay $23.90, a princely sum in China, for a dish of ox and dog penises at the Guolizhuang "strength in the pot" restaurant. The restaurant offers more than 30 types of animal penises that supposedly give men energy and make women's skin glow.

If you are in a rush and in the States may I suggest going to your local Get Go gasoline and convenience store for a hot-from-the-microwave penis... Just watch out for the law...

A man and woman were cited Friday in connection with a bizarre incident that resulted in a fake penis being microwaved at a convenience store last week.

3.03.2006

An Open Letter to Blognac's Mystery Blogger E-Lo


Hello Erica, or do you prefer E-Lo?

Welcome to our Blog, The Blog for New American Chipmunks, or BlogNAC for short.
How are you? Who are you?

I think you may be a valuable addition to the Blognac team. Just think of it, chipmunksand squirrels joined together for the greater good of the online community. As webmistress you good give BlogNac a good one-over, GOD knows we need it. Anyway, your Squirrel Blog looks really nice.

We at BlogNAC occasionally post about squirrels too. Blogger Becky has squirrels living in here attic. Sugar Bush Squirrel is one of my favorite squirrels in the whole world. You should google the good squirrel if you not familiar.

Talk to you soon,

Alex, chipmunk and squirrel aficionado




Update:

Another letter was sent to E-Lo, with no response as of Friday afternoon...

Hey E-Lo –

It appears that you are now a team member of my blog, http://blognac.blogspot.com/. I’m not entirely sure how this happened, though I would assume it is a technical glitch. However, if you check out the blog, you’ll notice that one of our commenters shares your affinity for The Mists of Avalon.

Anyway, I was just writing to see if you have any idea how this happened. Your baby is adorable and I’d certainly like to have someone with your web design skills working on BlogNAC, but I think in the end it’s probably best if we figure out what went wrong and tried to correct it. Unless you want to redesign BlogNAC, in which case, welcome!

Talk to you soon,

Noah

Pop Watch: Flashback Simpson Style

Looking at their blouses it is hard to tell where one Simpson begins and the other ends. Looking at their faces it is hard to believe they are sisters.

return of sharkblogging


Sharks have been very active this week. They did a bit of damage to 15-year-old Hawaiian Nicolette Raleigh when they bit her right leg. Even though she was in "so much pain" she managed to kick them off with her left foot and make it to shore. And just a couple of miles away, sharks took a chunk out of snorkeler Anthony Moore, though it looks like he was probably dead before they even got to him.

[recreation of actual incident]

Hmm, this all sounds bit too coincidental, don't you think? It's up to us citizen journalists to connect the dots here. Conventional wisdom is that Jesus sent the sharks to attack Nicolette because she was premaritally "wrestling" with her boyfriend at the time. But I know this to be untrue. I know who ordered these attacks: the Pentagon.

Eating things is pretty normal behavior for sharks, so this flurry of attacks wouldn't really be news if they weren't undertaken under a directive from a super-secret branch of the Department of Defense. The Defense Advance Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the central "research" wing of the DoD, has "created a neural implant designed to enable a shark's brain signals to be manipulated remotely, controlling the animal's movements, and perhaps even decoding what it is feeling." And what could the DoD want with these remote-controlled sharks?
The Pentagon hopes to exploit sharks' natural ability to glide quietly through the water, sense delicate electrical gradients and follow chemical trails. By remotely guiding the sharks' movements, they hope to transform the animals into stealth spies, perhaps capable of following vessels without being spotted... DARPA too plans to take its shark implants out of the laboratory. Project engineer Walter Gomes of the Naval Undersea Warfare Center in Newport, Rhode Island, says the team's next step will be to implant the device into blue sharks and release them into the ocean off the coast of Florida.
Oh, DARPA "plans" to release their attack sharks into the wild? I think it's pretty clear that they are already patrolling the Hawaiian seas and we've seen their first (but most likely not their only) victims. And why were Ms. Raleigh and Mr. Moore targets of the Pentagon's covert shark-assassination scheme? This is where my theory becomes somewhat speculative, but I have it on good authority that they both knew a bit too much about our military's failed program to weaponize dolphins.

You have my vote, Mr. Mayor

(Bubba, a pork rind pig pictured above)

The mayor of a little coal town and 13 other people were charged Thursday with 269 counts of election fraud and corruption that included trading cigarettes, pork rinds and beer for votes.

A grand jury accused the 14 of fixing a 2004 election in Appalachia, a town of about 2,000 in Virginia's rugged southwestern corner.

Chubby Checker would be proud...

A teen who pinched and twisted another boy's nipple while standing in line at a deli has been sentenced to four days in juvenile detention because he refused to write a letter that explained his actions.

David Thumler, 16, was convicted of offensive physical touching in July 2005, after the victim's parents complained to police. The Crater High School student paid a $67 fine and served three days of community service.

Unexplained "wet willies" will get the offender a day of roadside litter pickup...

3.02.2006

dear lord, belefonte! hit me with a quick one!

I recently found that my favorite SNL skit in recent memory is available online, easily the best of their many Hardball parodies. There's not too much I can say about it, except that it makes reference to both Kazaam and Pokemon. If you're somewhere you can watch it, click the link. If you can't, follow this link for a full transcript. Here's an excerpt:
Chris Matthews: Rebecca DeWitt, what Ashcroft just said was pretty crazy - can you beat it?!

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, we're living in a police state. Most of the people detained under Mr. Ashcroft's orders haven't been charged with a crime or given access to legal counsel. The Taliban prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are being denied their basic human rights. They can't practice their religion, they're not allowed access to their weapons, they can't even confer with their terrorist leader! It's appalling!

Chris Matthews: Wow! An impressive display of insanity! Harry Belefonte, keep this crazy train rolling!

Harry Belefonte: Chris, I'm gonna say something that a lot of people are afraid to say: Osama bin Laden is a Uncle Tom!

Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head with wonder ] Good God! I can't even figure out who that's offensive to! Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?

John Ashcroft: We’ve got some real great stuff in the works. There's one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we've gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious!

John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!

Chris Matthews
: How about it, Rebecca DeWitt? Should we be throwing genie-portrayed basketball players in jail?

Rebecca DeWitt: Chris, every society needs police. But who will police the police? My idea: terrorists! Give the terorists guns and badges, and the ability to arrest law enforcement and military personnel. That way, there are checks and balances.

Chris Matthews
: Dear Lord. Belefonte! Hit me with a quick one!

Harry Belefonte: The war in Iraq is in a minstrel show!

Chris Matthews
: Fantastic! Another!

Harry Belefonte: Winston Churchill was a house Negro!

Chris Matthews: One more time!

Harry Belefonte: Poodles are the black man of the dog world!



On an only vaguely related note and for reasons I can't explain at all, I kind of want Sasha Cohen to be like my personal Pikachu. I would carry her around in my pocket and, when challenged, I would whip her out and have her go wild with some kind of unstoppable skate-fighting technique. Has anyone else thought about that?