8.05.2009

Scandal!


It's an old, fake scandal, but maybe it will light a fire under the other BlogNACkers bums.

More old starwars pics here

7.29.2009

6.29.2006

How Many Surgeons Does it Take to Remove a Lightbulb from a Pakistani's Ass

Forget about dropping the soap, Pakistani prisoners should apparently be on the lookout for magical ass-navigating light bulbs. This almost tops the great gerbil rumor of the mid 1980s. Who am I kidding, I don’t think anything will ever top that one. Did you know that there is actually a verb to describe gerbil-related sexual practice: Gerbiling or Gerbil Stuffing.
Well back to the Pakistani prisoner, this is no rumor. And I have the photo to prove it (courtesy of Yahoo News.)The moral of the story: A society will never thrive under prohibition. The following story has been awarded with the Alan Dershowitz seal of approval:



MULTAN, Pakistan (Reuters) - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan,
says he woke up last weekend with a glass light bulb in his anus. On Wednesday
night, doctors brought Mohammad's misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour
operation to remove the object.
"Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I
had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else," Mohammad, a
grey-beared man in his mid-40s, told Reuters from a hospital bed in the southern
central city of Multan. "We had to take it out intact," said Dr. Farrukh Aftab
at Nishtar Hospital. "Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very
complicated situation."
Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for
making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first
told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there.
"When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they
told me this," Mohammad said. "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other
prisoners."
The doctor treating Mohammad said he'd never encountered
anything like it before, and doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged
him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose.

In other news, I still cannot figure out how to sucessfully execute a block quote.

6.28.2006

Best PSA Ever...or maybe I'm a bumpkin

You can freaking search for ANYTHING by texting a message to Google with your cell phone!! You simply type in the name of something and your area code if you're looking for a location and send it to g-o-o-g-l or 46645 and you will receive a text back with the address and number. You can search for other things too, like sports scores or stock prices (not that I expect much of that from you dear readers).
It's very possible that all of you coasters have been using this service for months, years, or even decades and that it just took a while for the news to soak its way inward, like how Kansas City still hasn't gotten wind of the death of mall bangs.

I just found out about this feature last week. My sister and I were trying to find a restaurant and the cabbie didn't know where it was. A friend of hers just said google it and worked his magic. The cabbie almost crapped himself. If the cabbies haven't caught on, I figure you all might need some help on this as well.

I once was blind but now I can see...an elephant orgy

Since I was two years old, I have spent countless weekends and vacations at my family’s house in Vermont. My fondest childhood memories are situated within the walls of this charming abode, with every nook, cranny, and nick-knack emanating nostalgia (that is, if nostalgia can in fact be emanated. What do you think Jon?)
The consumption of hot chocolate by the fireplace has long been one of my most treasured Vermont house traditions. To open the cupboard and gaze over the half dozen or so mugs that have been there for decades is always a trip down memory lane.
On a recent trip to Vermont, several friends and I were partaking in the evening cocoa ritual, when something happened that will forever taint my hot chocolate-related nostalgia.
As I was preparing the hot chocolate, I chose four of my favorite mugs from which to serve the steaming beverage. Of the mugs I chose, one mug in particular has always been my number one favorite. Selflessly, I decided to give this mug, I will call it “The Elephant Mug,” to Sam, so that he might partake in its joyous wonders. I made sure to tell Sam how lucky he was to be consuming hot chocolate from the Elephant Mug, since it was clearly the best of my many mugs, and has been my favorite for years.
After several minutes, Sam came up to me, pronouncing how perverse I was to have labeled this particular vessel as a childhood favorite. When I responded that I had no idea what he was talking about, Sam instructed me to take a second look at the mug’s artwork. In a way, I felt like Adam or Eve after tasting the forbidden fruit, robbed of my veil of innocence and forced to see the truth.





in memoriam

A bit late, but I feel as though some recognition of a great loss should be duly noted.

On Thursday, June 22, 2006, our nation lost one of its greatest heroes, a friend with whom many people felt a close connection. Moose, the dog who played Eddie on the TV show Frasier, died at the ripe old age of sixteen of natural causes. While my formative years were spent watching Wishbone and the like, I always mourn the death of an animal, especially a celebrity.



For those unfamiliar with Moose's life, there is a nice brief summary of his accomplishments on www.thepoop.com (Harlan K-Poo, I think this website is calling your name...). Included in this biography: "A Jack Russell terrier born in Florida as one of ten pups, Moose graduated from Orlando University with a bachelor's degree in obedience. He taught sign language after college at Canine Corral, but he grew tired of teaching and decided to give show business a try." And the rest was history...

Many people were personally touched by experiences shared with Moose. Their stories can be found here:

http://www.thepetpress-la.com/articles/eddie.htm
http://www.thepoop.com/mediahounds/frasier/default.asp
http://www.rateitall.com/i-14256-eddie-frasier.aspx

And, a must-read: http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/spotlight/2001-06-04-dog-bites.htm

Some final words about Moose:

On Frasier, Moose's character Eddie was "known for responding to Martin and Daphne with human-like understanding, but often seem[ed] to taunt Frasier. An early recurring gag had Eddie staring unceasingly at Frasier, to Frasier's increasing annoyance."

It doesn't matter that the story [of the movie "My Dog Skip" in which
Moose played the title character] (adapted by Gail Gilchriest) is
closer to TV drama than, say, the classic southern poignancy of Carson
McCullers. It doesn't even matter that no one sounds as if they've been anywhere
south of Dover, Del. – except Harry Connick Jr., who provides the narration for
the older Willie.


What matters is a Jack Russell terrier licking Willie's face. Or bounding up a tree to catch a squirrel. Or sneaking a slurp of Dad's drink while the old man's reading the paper. Or nearly disappearing into a commode as he tries to drink the water.

So touching, so poignant.

Moose, you will never be forgotten here at BlogNAC.

6.26.2006

Don't cry for me, Argentina

For whatever reason You Tube doesn't work on my computer at work. And as a result I am intensely jealous of those of you lucky enough to be able to waste hours of time watching internet videos at work.

The following video was specifically requested by Rabiya our dear friend, loyal reader and occasional misplacer of cell phones in bar bathrooms. Welcome back to Philly.



The USA, like me, sucks at soccer. While I consider myself a relatively coordinated 6'6" I readily acknowledge that the coordination I do possess does not enable me to play soccer with any skill whatsoever. It is for this reason that I am particularly impressed by the total body control exhibited by soccer players. Well... Almost total body control...

"I had an erection for ten years and all I got was a lousy $400k"

It seems like everyone has a friend, who on a study abroad trip to Spain, took to an excessive amount of Viagra, got an erection that lasted more than six hours and had to be hospitalized until the swelling subsided. Those crazy kids have nothing on this guy.

By now most of you will have have seen Steve Carell in the 40 year old virgin, what I hope none of you have seen is Charles Lennon in the 10 year old erection. Charles "Chick" Lennon, a former handyman from Providence, RI has been unable to hug, ride a bike, or wear his favorite speedos for the better part of the last decade because of a dysfunctional steel and plastic penile implant that has kept his penis fully erect. He even withdrew from his own family for fear of poking one of his grandchildren's eyes out. (Prince Charles and family pictured below.)

Like all good Americans, Chick sued Dacomed Corporation, manufacturer of the faulty Dura-II implant and he won. The good news for Mr. Lennon is that in 2004 a jury just awarded him $750,000. The bad news is that a judge recently reduced the award to $400,000, ruling that the previous amount was excessive. Excessive??? Excesive is a ten-year erection...

6.23.2006

Fecal Beat

clip removed due to extreme annoyingness factor



I've been informed by my editor that I am to cover all matters poo in addition to happenings in what most of you bastards call "the middle."

I approach this task as religious types respond to their "calling." I am both captivated and repulsed by poo in the same way I imagine the clergy's worshipful adoration of the heavenly father must be thick with fear. I have lived my life in the shadow of poo.

I am absolutely disgusted by flatulence because if I can smell it that must mean there are poo particles in the air and therefore being brought into my mouth with each breath and covering my face. However, I can't seem to help pooking people in the pooper when I see a good target. Now that you know you're getting your information from from a qualified source, let us discuss the above video.

Some Japanese candid camera show is playing a "trick" on poor unsuspecting people who are simply trying to privately allow their excretory systems to finish a days work. The mark enters the porta-potty and is given the requisit amount of time to get properly situated to pee-pee or pass a BM. The base of the toilet is then lifted into the air putting a very private act on very public display. Matters are intesified by the Asian "squatter" style john, raising the chance of acutally seeing a log of the nasty hanging out of a butt.

This is beyond cruel, and if it's not criminal then it should be. Not only is it just so horribly embarrassing for the unwilling participant, but the innocent passerbys could very well be emotionally scared by the experience. And then there is the worst case scenario... a real live shit storm. Someones' urine or worse, acutal feces, might be taken of course by the suprised and scared producer of said products or by the wind blowing through the now open air bathroom. I can't really contemplate that anymore, my skin is crawling.


DARPA: your tax-payer dollars hard at work

First it was mine-detecting dolphins and remote-controlled sharks and now it is human cannonballs.
New Scientist magazine reported in May that the Pentagon's cutting-edge research agency, DARPA, is considering a human-launching device that works like a cannon, to blast special-forces troops (and maybe firefighters and police officers) at just the right trajectory so that they land on hard-to-reach locations, such as rooftops. One of the patent application diagrams is pictured below just to give you sense how high-tech the device is.

Our new blogger's new name....

Yesterday was a big day for BlogNAC as our dear friend Sarah joined the 'NAC as our "special" Midwestern correspondent. However, as part of the reinvention of the BlogNAC many of us have assumed nom de plumes to better capture our alter ego blogging personalities. My blogging name, Volberbling, is a tribute to my gangster rap-loving, 24 inch rolling, platinum chain and diamond-studded mouthpiece-wearing weekend self. Anyway, Sarah just doesn't cut it on the new 'Nac so I have created a poll to ask you, the reader, what we should call Sarah.

6.22.2006

Your Wednesday nights will never be the same.

Heidi Klum is pregnant again and that can only mean one thing: "Project Runway" is back, bitches. Unfortunately, our dear friend and perrenial loser, Daniel Franco, will not be joining the cast (pictured below) for the third season. Based solely on the photo below I think my early favorite to win it all is the straight African-American male in the bottom right hand corner.

"Project Runway 3" will launch on Wednesday, July 12 at 10:00 p.m. ET/PT, which means that I will have to stop watching "The Hills" on MTV, which may be over by then anyway.

I am eagerly awaiting the premiere of PR3. I will hop into bed and wrap my long lanky limbs around my body pillow named "Heidi" and marvel at Michael Kors witty one-liners.

Who Hasn’t Been Looking for that Small Town Fair w/ a Sci-Fi Flair???

Summer is the season of uninterrupted festivals. Art fairs, food fests, state fairs, farmers markets, and town carnivals are pretty much ubiquitous across this nation, yes?

Sweet Jesus, I love ‘em all. This is probably due to the fact that these festivals have my most favorite thing in the world, a plethora outdoor food stands where you can get all the greasy eats under the sun.

mmmm…Giant Turkey Legs…

The fact that the US has pitifully few open-air food stands that function on a year round basis is one of my number one motivations for emmigration... but probably an issue for another post entirely.

Moving on, all regions have their own smaller, more obscure, sometimes down right loony summer festivals, but I’m pretty sure my home state has birthed the most ridiculous = fanfuckingtabulous fest of all time….

Pack your bags and head down to the 22nd Annual Trek Fest in Riverside, Iowa this weekend! For all of you culturally dense people out there, James T. Kirk, captain of the starship Enterprise, will be born in Riverside on March 22, 2233. Seriously, it’s totally official.

"The festival tries to balance a small town fair that James T. Kirk may experience with a Science Fiction theme. When you visit you will see small town staples like a demolition derby, truck and tractor pull, rides, live music, as well as a sci-fi vendor area, costume contest, and Star Trek themed events."

These events include, but are not limited too:

Spockapalooza featuring the band Super Size Seven (mostly a cover band playing the rockin’ tunes of various artists from Blondie to Hoobastank)

Two different installments of Cow Chip Bingo! (Cow chips are poo)

A parade














A greased pig contest

A Trekkie costume contest

















Have you ever seen any one in TNG wearing glasses?! Lightweights…









And viewings of Star Trek as well as past Trek Fest footage in a place simply titled “Red Barn




Looks like Kirk stumbled into a wormhole, and breaching the space-time continuum, has been able to attend the festival taking place centuries before his birth.






This festival, already attracting people “from as far away as Finland” will certainly only blow-up more after this new Star Trek: The Early Years movie comes out staring Hotty McTotty Matt Damon as Kirk.

F-ing brilliant people.

BlogNAC welcomes Sarah

Occasionally mistaken by passers by as "slow" or "handicapped," Sarah is exceptionally gifted, and not in the Special Olympics sense. We are extremely excited to have Sarah "name to be decided shortly" Kalhorn join BlogNAC as our midwest correspondent.

"Is that a primate in your pocket?"

Why yes it is...
The Microcebus Mittermeieri (pictured above) is just one of three new mouse lemurs discovered in Madagascar's tropical forest in recent weeks. Apparently if you squeeze them, their tongue and eyeballs pop out like those Iggy Pop toys.

When I was a young school girl all the other little girls had Polly Pockets and Tamogatchis. Daddy wouldn't let me have either and I never forgave him for that. But, now that I am a man I make my own rules and I am going to get a whole family of mouse lemurs to play with me all the time. I will get enough mouse lemurs so that when I lose a couple of them like the pieces of a Polly Pocket and kill a few like any good virtual pet owner, I will still have several to play with.

6.21.2006

It's ronery, so ronery...


Sometimes I feel like I don't have no co-bloggers
Sometimes I feel like my only friends are the readers and emailers
The emailer called Sandro
As lonely as i am
Together we cry


Well, I am not going to cry because I am work, but I might if I was at home.

The truth of the matter is that it's lonely over here at Blognac these days. Other than that email I received yesterday from a reader of this blog, there is little evidence of life here among the bloggers. Even fan favorite Spamchez has been absent lately :(. Maybe it is all the ta-ta-tacular tales of lactivist extremists or maybe it is something else...

6.20.2006

Celebrity Lactivist Extremists

Mollygood.com, the best celebrity related blog online these days, has joined the anti-lactivist extremist movement sweeping Starbucks's's's and the blogs, reporting that extremism exists within the Hollywood celebrity lactivist community. Apparently, Kate Beckinsale is the Osama bin Lactatin of the lactivist community...


Kate Beckinsale has revealed she could squirt milk out of breasts and across the room after giving birth.

The 'Underworld: Evolution' star says she developed the unusual skill while breastfeeding daughter Lily, her child from her relationship with actor Michael Sheen.

Beckinsale - who is now married to film director Len Wiseman - told US chat show host Jay

Leno: "I do miss breastfeeding. I was good at it. I got more than my fair share - I could hit the wall from quite a distance! I do have some useless talents."

If the Bacon Shoe doesn't fit you must acquit.

I regularly receive emails. I occasionally receive emails from friends. I rarely receive emails from strangers who read this blog. So, it was a happy day today when I received an email earlier from an individual who claims to be a longtime reader this blog.

The purpose of this individual's email was quite simply: Bacon Shoe, so when I clicked on the link provided I thought I would end up with a pair of bacon shoes or at least a pair of pig sandals.

I was mistaken. What I found on the other end of the url was video of what appears to be a musical group call Bacon Shoe playing live at a bar/club. I immediately was hooked, at first by the bacon that Mr. Ruggles was cooking on stage and once my boss left the office by the "music."

A little about Bacon Shoe from Kansas City's The Pitch: "This trio — consisting of an MC (Lethal D) who raps about sex and disease, a hype man ('Toine) who shouts out the number of beers he happens to be holding and calls himself "the cocktopus" (because I got eight dicks), and a guy in a paramedic suit and mangled dog-head mask (Mr. Ruggles) who cooks bacon on a griddle onstage and distributes it to the crowd — treads the line recklessly between insult and tribute.


Bacon Shoe, when you are in DC let me know, I got the booze, you got the bacon.

Update: The emailer was not a stranger at all, but a dear friend and Black, White and Pink party-going enthusiast Sandro. I apologize for any emotional trauma that my calling you a stranger may have had.

With parents like these, who needs friends?

My parents are pretty cool even by San Francisco standards, but they have nothing on these two parents in Arizona. Unfortunately, the Arizona couple will not be seeing much of their children after police arrested the Chandler parents, accusing them of giving marijuana to their young sons as a reward for good behavior. I have heard of parents rewarding their children with a couple bucks after completing their chores, but to reward your 12 and 11 year olds with a gram of marijuana each after watering your own marijuana plants is questionable parenting, even by my own standards.

In other marijuana-parenting related news, the second season of Weeds (otherwise known as the only reason to watch Showtime) is set to debut shortly. It is a really entertaining show and I highly recommend it.