"The LBC" refers to "Long Beach City" or "Long Beach, California." There is no "Long Beach County."

From the Washington Post:

ABC's prime-time drama "Commander in Chief," starring Geena Davis as the president, ignited an explosion of anger in Prince George's County yesterday as community leaders denounced an episode as offensive and racist for portraying the county as crime-ridden and in need of a federal takeover...

Another of the show's insults, critics said, was its references to the county by its initials, P.G. Some residents argue that Prince George's should not be referred to by its initials because no other county is. A state senator once corrected basketball star Earvin "Magic" Johnson during a news conference when he called the county P.G.

"The people in this county know that when other people say it, it's meant as a put-down," Taylor said.

It's true. There's literally not a single other county in America that's commonly referred to by its initials.

Blood Sport.

A professional golf ball diver hired by the city Palm Beach, FL to retrieve golf balls from a lake was attacked and killed by a 14-foot alligator and that bit the man's legs and arms off one by one before leaving his lifeless torso bobbing in the bloodied waters at the 17th hole.

The incident marked the bloodiest gator-golfer attack in modern sports history.

The Holy Cola

When I began my boycott of Coca-Cola last week I though that finding a replacement cola would be a relatively straight forward task and that I would be pleasantly re-caffeinated and carbonated in a matter of days. Ten days later I am still without cola, however I believe I may be one step closer to my goal (and to God.)

I originally thought that I would choose Pepsi as Coca-Cola's replacement because it is readily available, only slightly less delicious and without the awful anti-Union practices of Coca-Cola.

This Condom Cola story gave me pause as to whether I should in fact choose Pepsi.

While I realize that Pepsi India is not necessarily the same corporate entity as Pepsi USA, I do not excuse Pepsi USA from pushing an inferior latex-laced product pushed in India. Anyway, I do not believe in contraception in whatever form be it a condom or a can of cola.

After praying many days and nights on this vexing cola question, I asked myself "Alex, what would Jesus drink?" The answer came to me in the form of John 4:14 which states that "whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst."

Consequently, I will now be drinking Jesus Cola full time as it is the most refreshing and thirst-quenching cola man has ever known.

Don't Spank Me. I'm Working....

Lawyers for a Fresno woman who was spanked in front of her co-workers as part of what her employer said was a camaraderie-building exercise asked a jury Wednesday for at least $1.2 million for the humiliation she claimed to have suffered.

Janet Orlando, 53, quit her job at the home security company Alarm One Inc. in Fresno and sued, alleging discrimination, assault, battery and infliction of emotional distress.

Employees were paddled with rival companies' yard signs as part of a contest that pitted sales teams against each other, according to court documents. The winners poked fun at the losers, throwing pies at them, feeding them baby food, making them wear diapers and swatting their buttocks.

man, this place is a shithole. hahahaha.

HUNTINGTON, N.Y. (AP) - A 71-year-old man who went outside in the rain to pick up the Sunday newspaper plunged into a cesspool in his front yard, and his son and neighbor were sucked in when they tried to help.

The victims escaped, two with the help of firefighters, covered in raw sewage but not badly hurt...

It's not the first time a cesspool - a pit that collects waste from toilets and sinks - has swallowed someone in Huntington.

In 2001, a man practicing archery in the backyard with his two children died when his cesspool caved in and consumed him. And in 1998, a Huntington Station man was rescued after he fell 65 feet into one.

Absolutely terrifying. And in other falling into things news:

The 23-year-old man came home early Saturday morning and, finding himself locked out and without his keys, tried to enter the single-story house through its chimney.

"He told us he took off his clothes because as he was going down the chimney the clothes would rub up against it and slow him down," Branson said. "If it was skin on cement he felt he would go down easier."

Urbano's effort ended disastrously when a cable-television wire he used to lower himself snapped. He fell and was wedged in a section of the chimney tapering into the home's fireplace.

For the next four hours he cried out for help. A neighbour called police and fire fighters, who dislodged Urbano, Branson said. Officers booked Urbano for being under the influence of drugs, he added.

Please, take care of yourselves, and eachother.

Bad jobs...

Where do you even start?Happy Thursday.

Cockadoggadoo

....and the courtship begins

Good morning BlogNAC...

In other news a google image search for "dog bird hybrid" disappointingly yielded zero results.

I know its a long time from now, but....

The Biennial World Beard and Moustache Championships will next be held in Brighton, England on Saturday September 1, 2007...

I will be competing in the partial beard, freestyle competition.

For country, for honor....

Give me that nut...

(frontside) (backside)

The Coco-de-Mer palm produces the largest seed/nut/whatever in the world. These large seeds/nuts/whatevers may weigh up to 50 pounds.

Forget the Sopranos and Big Love. If you have HBO....

... I highly recommend Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2.

It has been on a lot lately so I am pretty sure you can find a showing soon.

After NetFlixing many good movies over the past couple months I feel the need to return to my roots and watch some less-than-classic movies. SuperBabies was one of those movies. Like Funky Monkey, which alternatively used a real chimpanzee and an ass-kicking man in a chimp suit, the SuperBabies were played by either real toddlers or stunt midgets on steroids. It was great.

Enjoy.

the four people in this picture look ugly

I used to like Avril Lavigne so much that she was my computer background for the better part of senior year of college, but now I see her and Duff and those dudes from the badass punk bands who are totally gonna rock their worlds and I just wonder when the girl I loved so dearly got mixed up with these kids, started looking like a bleached rat, lost the tie and broke my heart.

"I'm With You" it still a great song, though.

okay, okay

Sorry for the light posting lately, people. I am sure we all have reasons. Mine include sickness, laziness, guests, and broken computer. But with the guests and computer pretty much taken care of, a cocktail of Advil Cold + Sinus and Red Bull is just the thing to get me posting again.

I feel like we missed so much. I mean, there's a human-cow hybrid!

To create human lactoferrin-lactating cows, Pharming's scientists introduce human DNA coding for the protein's production into the nuclei of fertilized bovine eggs. The cells that successfully incorporate the foreign DNA or "transgene" are then selected, and each is fused with a second egg cell that has had its nucleus removed. The fused cells are then implanted in a surrogate cow's uterus. If all goes well, the cow becomes pregnant with a transgenic calf that, upon maturity two years later, will produce milk containing human lactoferrin. Despite that one component of its milk, the calf is all bovine—but technically remains an example of the dastardly human-animal hybrid.

Whoo! Science is fucking great. On this Easter Day I think it's important to take a moment to recognize all the unholy things scientists do around the world. I'd also like to put myself on record as volunteering to be part of any human-leopard or human-polar bear hybrid project.

[Editor's note: this portion of the post has been removed due to an overwhelming reader response. Many have called for Noah's release from the BlogNAC staff. After extensive deliberation, the editorial board has chosen not to take this course of action. During the course of our investigation into this incident we discovered that some of Noah's best friends are half-Asian. Additionally, Noah contends that they "love him," so it seemed like termination was unwarranted.]

I got a new computer. It's a Mac. I love it so far. It has a built in camera, though, that seems useless for anything but taking MySpace pictures and cybersex. I am sort of trying to create the archetype of the online social networking photo. How's this?


Courtesy of Colin (who is NOT DEAD, people) here's a lengthy but ultimately rewarding piece about eating steak in Argentina.

Finally, I learned last week (at a Seder, of all places) the Becky's mother HATED our investigation of bacon tempura. In her words, it was "weird, really really weird and gross." So now I offer this recipe for baking a cake using Cadbury's Creme Eggs instead of chicken eggs, brought to my attention by my friend David. This recipe doesn't involve frying, it doesn't involve pork, and maybe it's enough to get Becky's mom to stop telling her friends what a freak show I am. She puts on a great Seder, though.

URGENT!

Though this story blatantly belongs to Molly and this link comes straight from Defamer, there was no way I was not going to post this picture, a photograph of a sculpture of a baby coming out of Britney Spears' doggy-styled vagina. Cheers.


Bonus picture completely stolen from Defamer: the cyclops kitty.

Do you remember as a child being told that cockroaches would be the only thing to survive a full-scale nuclear war? In the latest showdown between man's military might and bugs' uncanny ability to survive just about anything we do to try to kill them, the bugs have won again....

A teacher who kept a 40 mm shell on his desk as a paperweight blew off part of his hand when he apparently used the object to try to squash a bug, authorities say. The 5-inch-long shell exploded Monday while Robert Colla was teaching 20 to 25 students at an adult education class.

The bug survived...

and then kicked Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith's asses before taking off in a space shuttle.

Freaky Frankenstein Monkey

Look at this golden monkey's strawberry tongue and Michael Jackson's nose (or lack thereof)...

BlogNAC remembers...

Becky's glasses with a missing lense replaced by a bottle cap and the frame held together by copious amounts of electrical tape.

Hamburglary....

Four burgers at his neighborhood Burger King cost George Beane a whopping $4,334.33.

Beane ordered two Whopper Jr.s and two Rodeo cheeseburgers when he pulled up to the drive-through window last Tuesday. The cashier, however, forgot that she'd entered the $4.33 charge on his debit card and punched in the numbers again without erasing the original ones — thus creating a four-figure bill.

"Those were the most expensive value burgers in history," Pat Beane said.

The electronic charge went through to George and Pat Beane's Bank of America checking account and left the couple penniless. Their mortgage payment was due and they worried checks they had written would bounce, Pat Beane said.

Terri Woody, the restaurant manager, said Burger King officials tried to get the charge refunded. But the bank said the funds were on a three-day hold and could not be released, Pat Beane said.

Burger King did not charge the Beanes for their meal, and the couple got their $4,334.33 back on Friday.

BlogNAC joke rescinded: I was about to make a bad joke about Heidi Klum and McDonald's Special Sauce, but I think I'll refrain.

my apologies

Dear loyal BlogNAC readers,

I am writing to express my deepest apologies for leaving you without saying goodbye. It wasn't about you. I like you more than words can express. This was about me and my journey of self-discovery. I had to clear my head, get my life together, and prioritize.

As you can see from the above picture, my time in Las Vegas was spent gazing over the city's humbling vistas and contemplating issues of great importance. I spoke to a lovely Las Vegas native named Penny (her dress was made of gold, or at least it looked that way) about her plans to change the world. She said she'd have to know me for 24 hours before revealing details, so I can't tell you exactly what her plans were, but her passion was evident to everyone who met her. Her beliefs were so strong, in fact, that she felt the need to reveal them in a three-part text message manifesto to my friend Josh Dempsey French before meeting again. Viva la revolucion!

The wonderful thing about Vegas is that an entire world of experience is contained within the magical 2.5 miles known as "The Strip." Men of an earlier era would have had to travel the world to see what I have seen in the last week: the canals of Venice, the Eiffel Tower, the Manhattan skyline, Aladdin's lamp, King Arthur's court. I feel as though I gained a lifetime of wisdom, and so I return to you refreshed and recommitted to the BlogNAC mission. Like Penny, I am not comfortable sharing this mission before getting to know you better, but rest assured that you are all a part of it. Every ideologue needs his followers.

My turning point came on my final night in Las Vegas, when a few fellow travelers and I decided to challenge eachother to greatness. Who, we asked, could procure a new pair of socks the fastest? This was at about 3am, so there were no socks readily available. Undeterred, we began in earnest, with most competitors frantically making calls. I, on the other hand, chose to dip into Las Vegas's vast human resources and asked a man (to be fair, he was more than a man, he was a demi-god, a bouncer) what he would do in my situation. He pointed me towards a 24-hour CVS and off I went. Later I was reminded that leaving the bar was forbidden by the competition rules, but no matter. I had socks! Like Raskolnikov, I was above the law, and man's rules no longer applied to me.

I am back.


noah

April is ....

Monkey Abuse Awareness Month at BlogNAC....