“I don’t care if you think I’m racist. I just want you to think I’m thin.”

More Sarah Silverman (in the New Yorker, because they totally get off on using slurs just like the rest of us):

Ten years ago, when Silverman had recently moved to Los Angeles, she decided to try something conceptual in her standup routine. She took a pair of khaki pants, dabbed a tiny bit of red paint in the crotch, and wore them to a gig at a club called Largo. After telling jokes for five minutes, she started roaming around the stage, admonishing herself aloud for not using it to better advantage. She did a somersault, and heard a slight, mortified intake of breath. “I just thought it would be an experiment, interesting because the audience would think it was funny and also be dying for me,” Silverman says. “Then I went back and did five more minutes of jokes, to see how it changed the room, how it was this elephant in the room.” At the end of the set, she allowed herself to notice the stain, and said, wincing, “Did you guys—you, you must think that I have my period and you’re probably dying for me. Of course you did. Why wouldn’t you? No.” She paused and said, as if to reassure, “I had anal sex for the first time tonight.”

TMF,TML has a problem with the profile:

[I]t (along with every other piece we've seen about her) fails to answer the question we're always confronted with: Is there any profession save standup comedy in which Silverman would be considered hot? Or even above average?

The answer, obviously, is yes. If Sarah Silverman worked in the cubicle down the hall from you, you would send her flirty emails all day. If Sarah Silverman worked at the DMV, you would make a point of drawing her attention to where you wrote your phone number on the form. Maybe even ask her for hers. If Sarah Silverman were your 7th grade math teacher your puberty would be fueled entirely by thoughts of her. The only profession in which Sarah Silverman could possibly not be considered hot is movie and television star. And she's barely one of those, if at all. And even then I think she's pretty hot. Because she's funny and because she looks like this:

Congressional Courtesy

As a Capitol Hill courtesy Larry Flint sends issues of his pornographic publication Hustler to all 535 members of Congress every month. Call your Representative or Senator, ask to speak with the individual sorting the mail and demand to know what they do with their office's copy.

How does he do it?

From (Subscription Only) Roll Call:
"Last month, New York Attorney Eliot Spitzer (D) indicted eight executives at Marsh & McLennan, the world's largest insurance broker, as part of his ongoing investigation into the company.

"Next month, when Spitzer comes to Washington, D.C., to raise money for his gubernatorial run, a Marsh & McLennnan lobbyist will host a fundraiser designed to raise as much as $250,000 for the candidate."

successories

Today's Wall Street Journal has a little piece about corporate slogans and branding and how ridiculous these efforts can sometimes be:

That's the problem with slogans and other internal branding efforts. They mean to sharpen focus but end up as emblems of corporate wishful thinking, objects of satire, and indicators of how clueless upper management is and how childish supervisors think their employees are.

I think a major issue with these branding efforts is that they're just not really true. You're boss doesn't really want you to "Dare to be Different." He wants you to deliver your reports on time for once and then go take your 3pm shit. Before my interview with Greenberg Traurig (a pretty good law firm) I got a recruiting brochure in the mail. This is pretty normal, as most law firms try (mostly unsuccessfully) to differentiate themselves from the others. But this was not like the other brochures. This was hardback-bound in lime green and filled with drawings and slogans [link is to a pdf] meant to illustrate what I should aspire to if I wanted to be a GT lawyer. These were Greenberg Traurig's "New Rules."

You're not a "yes" person, you're a "yes I can" person.

You don't want to be one of the herd, you're rather be one of the heard.

Ummm, sorta. I don't think it's my rugged individualism that is driving me to apply for legal jobs. Anyway, the interview went poorly and GT rejected me. Here's an excerpt from their letter: "We have had an overwhelming interest in our nationwide summer program and our 'New Rules' culture, so much so that we have had to make some difficult decisions." OK, Greenberg Traurig. First, you completely stole your brand identity from Bill Maher. Second, stop marketing to me in a goddamn rejection letter. Finally, if there was actually a surge of interest in your summer program, I guarantee it had nothing to do with your "Rules." But, of course, I am not much of a "yes I can" person.

Watermelon^2

This isn't exactly new news, but the ingenious Japanese have done it again. This time Japanese farmers have done away with the inefficiently oblong melon of yesteryear, producing a square watermelon that will fit conveniently into your refrigerator. The agricultural feat did not even require the genetic engineering that one would expect of such a marvel, only a cube box to limit the melon's growth. The only drawback to the melon^2 is its price, which at 10,000 yen is roughly $87.

Note: For 10,000 Yen, you can buy one one square watermelon or feed 100 hungry Japanese children at the Shin-Yokohama Ramen Museum.

Note: Much searching has failed to yield square pumpkins for this Halloween season. Although, that doesn't mean people out there aren't trying. Better luck next year.

faustian bargain

“It’s the 20th anniversary of the issue so it’s a big deal at People, but if you go down the list of past cover stars you’ll see why no one wants it,” says a source at the mag. Although a few former “winners” like Johnny Depp, Harrison Ford and Denzel Washington seem to have escaped the accolade unscathed, many—like Mark Harmon, Patrick Swayze, Nick Nolte, and Pierce Brosnan—have watched their fortunes sink after taking the title.

Other recipients, like Jude Law, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Ben Affleck, have seen their love lives take a turn for the weird.

The curse of winning People's "Sexiest Man Alive" award: you will become a multimillionaire and one of the world's biggest movie stars, but you may have to fuck an overweight nanny, Jennifer Garner, or Angelina Jolie along the way.

UPDATE: After some refection and discussion with Colin, I realized that many of these "Sexiest" awards bring with them some kind of horrible curse. For example, the one and only winner of BlogNAC's "Jewboy Fantasy" award has to spend her life with a third-rate talk show host who we suspect enjoys rimming Adam Carolla.

"Ex-Executive Privilege"

ewwwhhhh........

Protesting Budget Pork Congressmen Wear Symbolic Bacon Bandages

Remember the Republican National Convention when delegates donned purple BandAids mocking the injuries John Kerry received while in Vietam? Now, with the costs of the War in Iraq and the reconstruction of the Gulf Coast mounting, and with Highway and Energy Bills full of the proverbial pork, a small group of lawmakers has taken to wearing bacon BandAids to House and Senate debates.

Somewhere in Middle America.....

Santa Claus, IN... For those of you preparing your Christmas wishlists early this year, there is no longer any need to spend the extra cash on postage sending your lists all the way to the North Pole as Santa and his elves have opened up shop in Indiana.

45 North Kringle Place
Santa Claus, IN 47579

Ramen Dynasty (2000 b.c. - Present)

4,000 year old noodles found in northwestern China reveal beginnings of Ramen Dynasty, which now includes 15 Top Ramen flavors and 15 Cup Noodle flavors. The discovery of the noodles doubles the known length of Ramen Dynasty and calls into question the legitimacy of the Xia and all subsequent dynasties.

Note: Our dear friend Matt Fischer at the Official Ramen Homepage maintains an impressive list of Ramen recipes.

Also note: If you find yourself in Japan visit the Shin-Yokohama Ramen Museum. Admission is 300 yen for adults and 100 yen for children, 3 and 6-month passes also available.

This just in: Britney Spears' noodle encrusted bra for sale at Ebay. Bid early, bid high, bid often. Good luck.

keep your buttsex private.

By presidential decree there shall be "No more public scatology." OK, that's fine, though one wonders why President Bush had to remind his nominee to the Supreme Court that she shouldn't make shit jokes in public (I would like her more if she did make these jokes). But here's my question, and I think it's one the American people need to have answered -- shit jokes aren't appropriate in public, but is buttsex OK in private? Because K-Y sex aid sales have quadrupled in the last four years (with WalMart as a huge point-of-sale), and I refuse to believe all that lube is just being used for penis-vagina sex.

Also, why didn't anyone ever tell me Memorial Day was a sex holiday?

rap music

I don't know what the current status of his relationship with 50 Cent is, but it looks like rapper The Game has has trouble with long-term relationships in the past.

God, Change of Heart was great.

[via pink is the new blog]

and then we're, ummm, gonna give the camera THE FINGER!!!

The Strokes continue to shake up both music and the very foundations of our society.

"We're doing a live performance at a radio station [in the video], which will be broadcast all across New York," [lead singer Julian Casablancas] explained. "There might be full-frontal nudity. MTV will not play this video because it's so controversial, [but] it will be groundbreaking."

Holy shit. Nudidy and sexuality on MTV!? Not since Elvis the Pelvis has our youth been exposed to this kind of depravity. No other group (especially not one that appeals primarily to 14-year-olds) would ever try something like this.

Oh, and if you were freaked out by the idea of naked children of lecherous modeling magnates, you probably don't want to read on. It gets worse.

A source involved with the video's casting had even more intriguing information to add: The treatment calls for people of all genders, ages, ethnicities and sexual preferences who are "comfortable" with exhibitionistic displays of love, tenderness and affection — to put it very mildly.

That's right -- you could inadvertently be exposed to a naked gay. Or an older person. Or even a Southeast Asian! I don't even think the original badasses of rock and roll went that far.

If you thought WMD in Iraq were a "slam dunk"...

...then surely you must believe that Harriet Miers' confirmation to SCOTUS will be as well.

Unlike George Tenet, who I have a hard time believing ever picked up a basketball, much less dunking one, Harriet Miers knows something about dunking.

Twenty six years ago Ms. Miers, a congregant at the evangelical Valley View Christian Church, particpated in a full immersion baptism as part of Biblical rebirth.



Note: In order to add signature flair to the fully-clothed full immersion "slam dunk" Baptism I suggest a vigorous pumping of the fist)

lowblow?

Tom Brokaw on Roger Ailes last night at the George magazine 10th anniversary celebration: "Roger has succeeded at everything he has ever attempted. Except the South Beach diet."

President Squinty of Simpleton

According to the online generator of Hobbit names, if George Bush was a Hobbit he would be called "Squinty of Simpleton," which is what I call him anyway so that was easy.

LA-Z-BOY Lobbying Efforts Pay Dividends at Lincoln Monument

"Four score and seven years ago our friends at LA-Z-BOY brought forth on this continent a new recliner, conceived in luxury, and dedicated to the proposition that all men love leather armchairs, especially ones that have refrigerators built into the armrests and electric massagers dedictaed to the lower lumbar region."- Lazy Lincoln Pittsburgh Steelers Address

Judiciary Committee Democrats to Appear on Future Episode of "7th Heaven"?

Connie Mackey, a lobbyist for the conservative Family Research Council, speaking about the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court may have inadvertantly divulged the plotline to an upcoming episode of the long-running Christian family drama when she said, "Democrats are in Seventh Heaven." It remains to be seen which Democrats will make their sitcom debut on the program, which regularly receives the Parents Television Council's seal of approval for its "refreshing look at a functional, traditional American family." Calls to the Senate offices of Judiciary Committee Democrats Leahy, Kennedy and Schumer were not immediately returned.

fun with excel

I know I am not the only one who has noticed this. But, seriously, what the fuck? Stop calling everything twee. Except the Polyphonic Spree. You can call them twee. Are you listening, Wikipedia?

assume the position

Also available: Playmobil Cavity Search Kit and Playmobil Offshore Prison Camp.