project cooking things, episode 2

This show sort of blows, but I think I have emotionally committed to watching it, so here goes.

Top Chef started off on a sad note this week as we learned that Cynthia's dad has cancer. Clearly this is going to come out at the judging table in some way or another. I'm just going to jump ahead and ruin the ending for you: Cynthia says to the camera that she refuses to talk about her father's illness at the judging table as it's not fair to the other contestants. Instead she just starts crying and says "It's amazing that I am still able to be here" or something along those lines. The lesbian pastry chef guest judge (she and Tiffani were featured in an article together about queer women in the kitchen, I wish I could find it) totally rolls her eyes but she doesn't get kicked off, which makes me happy, she's still my favorite and the crying kind of makes her the new Andrae.

So blah blah, this week's quickfire challenge is to make a fruit plate. It was really boring and everyone pretty much sucked, Stephen was the pretty clear winner. He had lots of little espresso cups filled with fruits and herbs and things. I have no idea how it tasted, but it looked good. I still hate this stupid fucker, but he seems like he sort of knows what he's doing. I'm not sure who he's like on Project Runway, maybe Daniel V at the end when he became an annoying little twat. Can you say twat?

So the big challenge this week was to make desserts for a party at a fetish store. The fetish lady shows up and, according to Tiffani, she's just "killin' it in a latex dress" but I don't notice because I cannot for the life of me take my eyes off her mini hat. I mean, it's just so small and sideways and wonderful and wonderfully reminiscent of Damon Wayans' In Living Color wardrobe. I'm not sure what a mini hat fetish is called, but I have one and I am going to find willing partners on Craigslist and become accepted in the mini hat community and if my lifestyle scares you then maybe you're just scared of yourself.



For a challenge about sexy desserts that took place in a fetish shop, the whole thing was decidedly unsexy. Probably the most entertaining part was when Dave said he was just going to make a whole bunch of hair pies and Miguel was annoyed because he didn't get it and kept asking what a hair pie was. Then Miguel took off all his clothes and there were many, many comments made about how he's not attractive. If we're going to pick on people for being ugly I'd really prefer to talk about Tiffani who managed to look even worse than usual by dressing up like a pseudo-goth, wrapping some weird thing around her neck, and, you know, being horrible. And her food was shitty, so she sucks and let's kick her off already.


The rest of the show was stupid, it was full of bad sex jokes and puns that weren't even close to funny, and I almost always find sex jokes funny. Dave said something about using frosting to make a "hard nip," I don't really know, the whole thing was atrocious. Miguel won with his "total orgasm" dessert and Andrea gets kicked off, which seems fair since her only goal seemed to be to make food that would make you shit. I'm not making this up, people, she said that's her special power. To make you shit.

Oh yeah, RuPaul showed up at some point and, according to Tiffani, she's "one tall bitch."