return of sharkblogging

Sharks have been very active this week. They did a bit of damage to 15-year-old Hawaiian Nicolette Raleigh when they bit her right leg. Even though she was in "so much pain" she managed to kick them off with her left foot and make it to shore. And just a couple of miles away, sharks took a chunk out of snorkeler Anthony Moore, though it looks like he was probably dead before they even got to him.

[recreation of actual incident]

Hmm, this all sounds bit too coincidental, don't you think? It's up to us citizen journalists to connect the dots here. Conventional wisdom is that Jesus sent the sharks to attack Nicolette because she was premaritally "wrestling" with her boyfriend at the time. But I know this to be untrue. I know who ordered these attacks: the Pentagon.

Eating things is pretty normal behavior for sharks, so this flurry of attacks wouldn't really be news if they weren't undertaken under a directive from a super-secret branch of the Department of Defense. The Defense Advance Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the central "research" wing of the DoD, has "created a neural implant designed to enable a shark's brain signals to be manipulated remotely, controlling the animal's movements, and perhaps even decoding what it is feeling." And what could the DoD want with these remote-controlled sharks?

The Pentagon hopes to exploit sharks' natural ability to glide quietly through the water, sense delicate electrical gradients and follow chemical trails. By remotely guiding the sharks' movements, they hope to transform the animals into stealth spies, perhaps capable of following vessels without being spotted... DARPA too plans to take its shark implants out of the laboratory. Project engineer Walter Gomes of the Naval Undersea Warfare Center in Newport, Rhode Island, says the team's next step will be to implant the device into blue sharks and release them into the ocean off the coast of Florida.

Oh, DARPA "plans" to release their attack sharks into the wild? I think it's pretty clear that they are already patrolling the Hawaiian seas and we've seen their first (but most likely not their only) victims. And why were Ms. Raleigh and Mr. Moore targets of the Pentagon's covert shark-assassination scheme? This is where my theory becomes somewhat speculative, but I have it on good authority that they both knew a bit too much about our military's failed program to weaponize dolphins.