The USDA has closed the case on the Siegfried & Roy white tiger attack. Investigators were unable to determine what caused the attack, though they were able to rule some things out:
The tiger-was-hungry theory was ruled out. And there was no proof that the animal was deliberately provoked by someone in the audience, or that a terrorist sprayed it with a behavior-altering scent, or that it was unhinged by a woman with a beehive hairdo.
While it's a relief to know that it wasn't terrorists who took out our beloved Roy, I still wish the USDA had foregone the investigation and just asked me or maybe an averagely smart 4-year-old what happened. Why was Roy Horn mauled by a Bengal tiger? Because he was playing around with a FUCKING TIGER, people. Have you ever seen a tiger? They are like housecats but bigger and meaner, I think. And I wouldn't make my cat do half the shit those tigers did. If there's one thing we can all learn from this, it's that wild animals hate magic shows and gays.
[Full disclosure: I don't have a cat, but I used to.]
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