sharkblogging

The AP has some excellent tips [bottom of the page] for avoiding shark attacks. They include:

• Don't swim in water with shit and piss in it.
• Don't swim in water with commercial fishing going on.
• Run away when you see a shark.
• Don't go in the water if you know there are sharks there.

Now, if these tips strike you as particularly insightful, I say go ahead and ignore them. Because if you were going to go swimming with sharks in shitty water with commercial boats all around you, I kind of hope you get eaten. Or at least get caught in a net or contract some shitwater disease.

However, there is one AP tip that I think might take people by surprise:

• Don't tan unevenly.

That's right. Tan lines will provoke shark attacks, as apparently sharks will pick up on the contrast in skin tones. This is totally nuts. First of all, the idea that people get such crazy tan lines that all of a sudden they are visible to sharks seems like something out of a bad movie, most likely Deep Blue Sea. But mostly it seems like another blow to those dedicated people who ignore the advice of dermatologists everywhere and leatherize out there in the sun all day. Not only will you people get cancer, but sharks will eat your melanoma-ridden bodies. That just sucks and I feel very sorry for you.